Oh, the Heartbreak

Sunday is rapidly becoming my least favorite day of the week. Is it because of the massive amounts of laundry I have to do? No. Is it because I am so burnt out on my job that I can't bear the thought of another week starting? Good guess, but no. Sundays, along with this coming Thursday and the occasional Monday, suck because my beloved Philadelphia Eagles are outdoing themselves in the suckiness department.

Oh sure, the defense still performs (mostly), Westbrook does the best he can (which is pretty damn good), and Desean Jackson has some serious potential, but that's not enough. Our team can't bring the run, I think Andy Reid's brain is being throttled by cholesterol and McNabb has all but given up. Putting Kolb in for the second half of yesterday's game was a brilliant decision - if Reid was looking to showcase how the Birds can fail regardless of who is throwing the ball. I don't know why they bother keeping up the fiction that McNabb, or Kolb, is throwing to his team. Just pitch the ball to the opposting team and then stand aside and let them run it in. Nothing like upping the stats of the opposing team's defense. Some defensive players go their whole career without scoring a touchdown. Not anymore kids! Come to Philly! Score some points!

Anyone who knows me know that I have never been a fan of Donovan McNabb, aka: Fat Ass, Penishead, and Donovan "It's not my fault" McNabb. I feel that McNabb had potential 10 years ago when the Eagles drafted him. I also feel that McNabb never had the necessary fire to become a truly great QB. Yes, I know the man has battled season-ending injuries and come back to play again. However, one needs to ask: Did he come back better? Or even as good? My answer is gonna have to be "no".

A couple of years ago, it seemed that McNabb was well on his way to greatness - draggin my belagured Eagles behind him. My parents and I went to the last regular season game played in the Vet (Birds-Cards). The was the game when McNabb busted his ankle and you know what? He played pretty damn good. I don't remember the final score, but I know the Eagles won. Now that I think about it, that may have been their Super Bowl season. Don't quote me, though.

I am well aware that being a Philly sports fan is an act of raging masochism. Sure, the Soul and the Phillies won championships, and the Wings were good about 10 years ago, but successful sports franchises are few and far between here in Philthydelphia. And don't point out to me all the other cities that haven't brought a championship home in longer than it has been for Philly. I don't care about them. I'm too busy crying Eagles green.

Dunzo

My brief spate of fickleness has passed. I have decided that the thing with K is not going to happen. Obviously feeling "meh" about the sitch was a fairly good indicator that we were not destined for ever-lasting lurrrrrrve. And it probably wasn't a good sign that I got all salty when he asked, nay, told me to try to express my feelings. Sorry dude, you can't express what isn't there.

The following day he was his usual text message-y self. To avoid dealing with him during work hours, I told him I was busy. Later that night he sent me more messages. He asked if everything was OK. I said there was some stuff on my mind and he immediately asked if it was him.

Duh.

No, I didn't say that! Sheesh, what kind of person do you think I am? You know what - never mind answering that. Anyway, I said I needed some thinking time and that we'd talk the next day. He called me right then.

Guh.

Kind of defeats the whole purpose of "time to think", K. I said as much to him and got off the phone rather quickly. Later that evening I felt kind of bad for being shirty and sent him this: You're coming on too strong emotionally and I don't deal well with that. The first part is true. More on the second part later.* I didn't get a reply until the next morning. He said: I knew it was me. I'm sorry.

Oy.

K, if you knew it was you then why did you push it? The reply? I don't know. I'm an idiot. Taking a small amount of pity on him (sorry for the rule #5 violation), I said You're not an idiot. Really, yeah he is. Next came: I'll understand if you don't want to see me anymore. Now, I really should have just nipped the whole thing. Said: Good because I don't want to. However, in my moment of pity, I told him that I didn't know yet if I wanted to see him again. I don't want to see him again. In the spirit of full disclosure, I had a moment the other night where I got a bit skeeved remembering the making out. So all that remains, if I'm going to be a nice(ish) person, is to tell him it's over.

*Here is my more. I'm fine with talking about my feelings if there are any feelings there. It's not always the easiest thing to do, but I'm not going to manufacture an emotional conversation to satisfy your needs.

One last thing. I've been the person who is more emotionally involved before. The key to not completely ruining things is to HIDE IT. Or at least let it leak out sloooooowly. Wait until you are more certain of a positive response. You're probably never going to have absolute certainty, but there are times that work better than others. It doesn't make your feelings less valid, but it (in my experience) makes is less likely to frighten the other person away. This isn't to say that people who have expressed the heavy stuff early have disastrous relationships. If K had been someone else, I may have been all about the gooshy.

Doubtful, equivocal, fluctuating, inconclusive, irresolute, mixed, uncertain, undecided, vacillating, warring, wavering

OK, for serious people - what the fuck is wrong with me? Wait, wait, before you offer up suggestions, allow me to be more specific.

I saw K last night. It was mostly a repeat of Friday night with one distinct difference: I didn't have the giddy, shaky, OMG, I MADE OUT!!!!11! feeling I had Friday after K left. I don't know if it is because the novelty wore off that quickly, or if it is because I got my make-out fix and I'm good for a while or what. I understand that the first flush of infatuation can pass in a blink, but one time? Really?

Maybe it was his refusal to have the sex. I do respect his decision to wait, but dammit, I need cock! He may prefer to take it slow physically, but I'm all about taking it slow emotionally. Don't love me - fuck me. Sure, sure, K says he has had bad experiences with being physically intimate quickly, but don't judge me on your past experiences. Stop laughing. I know everyone does this - yes, everyone, but it still chaps my ass. I do the best I can to separate my past from my present and future. I'm sure it's been mixed results regarding the success of that effort.

K has also taken to sending me "xoxo" texts. I feel that it is way too soon for "xoxo" texts. While his enthusiasm is flattering, I'm a little turned off by the overeager puppy vibe. He says that I'm the one good thing he has to look forward to (we have dinner planned for Friday). Dude, I'm really sorry you got laid off and a summons for jury duty, but please don't put the burden of your happiness on my shoulders. I did not want to go from single to smothered in one easy step. It's too soon to be all tentacle-y.

I realize that I'm being awful picky and ambivalent. I was all about him right up until he came over last night. I still wanted to make-out with him, but that could be because I'm still filling those tanks. He is sweet and nice and smart and occasionally funny. We like a lot of the same things. He's a decent kisser and not shy about telling me what he wants and very eager to please. He likes my cooking and can pick out an acceptable bottle of wine. What's the problem? Is it that he's not normally someone I'd be attracted to? Physically, I mean. Dunno. All I do know is that I need to figure out how I'm going to deal with this. Knowing me, I'll decide tomorrow to tell him it's not gonna happen, and then want him back on Wednesday. Welcome to my life.