Quick Update on Things

The (potential) job: still haven't heard anything.

The boy: still talking regularly, and are planning to get together this weekend .

The boy cat: home from the vet and feeling much abused and prone to vapors (actually, that's fairly typical...the vapors, not the abuse).

The orchid: flower is in full bloom.

The (current) job: still boring, mind-numbing, pointless, and so on.  Though, that must be obvious as I am posting a stupid little update instead of doing any work.

The Postmortem

I am having a little bit of difficulty figuring out how to start with my date report because nothing insanely exciting happened. Which is a good thing, because the last date I was on (remember, back in April of 2009?) went well and then I got shafted. I decided that I'm going to be way more laid back about things this time.

We met for dinner at Isaac's. It was a good halfway point and the food is good and there is a HUGE selections of beers. The boy is an admitted beer snob. Not surprisingly, the place was busy, but we both got lucky with parking spaces. Our table felt a little like they just threw one up in an available corner, but it wasn't too bad.

So far we have not had any issues with the conversation lagging. He's a good listener and always has a follow-up question ready. This is good and not good because if you get me started I can be hard to shut up. And the more I talk, the more chance there is to say something stupid. But, honestly, I haven't been worried about that so much this time around. I know I said something that were corny, and made a couple of jokes that fell flat, but that happens to me regardless of who I am talking to.

We wandered around town for a bit after dinner and talked some more. He made a point of telling me he was weird, but it hasn't been anything I can't handle so far. In fact, I would have to say that I quite like his brand of weird. Also, I'm thinking that he's playing up the weirdness the way I would normally play up the awkwardness - it's a built in excuse if you say/do something that comes off wrong. "Oh, that's just my weirdness."

He's very bright, which is excellent. I had to be more on my game than I usually am because he's not one to let a point slide. It's a challenge, but a good one. In fact, he's very much like me with the "but did you look at it this way?" thing. We both see things sideways. Humor-wise, he is VERY dry. Actually got me a couple of times. Oddly enough, I didn't mind.

As of posting time, there is not second date planned, but we did say we'd like to do this again. And I don't think it's like the "we could do it again" from the date I had two years ago. I think this one will actually happen. Mostly because I'm going to call him tonight to set it up. I won't lie; it would be nice if he called me, but I have a feeling that I'm going to have to be the aggressor for now. I'm surprisingly OK with this, because I like him enough to want to make the effort.

Disturbingly Chipper

Teeheeheeheeheeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

It's amazing how two small things can make me super happy.

Thing One: I have a date tomorrow night. I'm sure I'll do a postmortem on Friday.

Thing Two: I have a job interview on Monday! Yay!

That is all.

I'm Not Crazy, I'm Frustrated. OK, a Little Crazy.

You know how you get a song, or a snippet of a song, stuck in your head? The same few words and notes circling around and around and around? Until you feel like your ears are going to bleed as your brain runs in clumpy streams from your nose? That sucks, right? At least when that happens you can sometime rid yourself of the earworm by listening to the song in question or by replacing it with another.

Unfortunately, that is not my problem. My problem is as follows: It has been about 2 weeks since I got blown off by the boilermaker and I can't. Stop. Thinking. About. Him. I'm not kidding here, folks. In the morning before work, outside on my breaks, at home on the computer, in bed falling asleep. It's making me crazy.

Was I so excited by the possibility of a relationship that I grabbed way too hard onto nothing? Or was he really that kind of special and I'm feeling the loss in a way most irritating? I'm sure some of it has to do with the dissatisfying way things ended. There was no closure, no explanation. Something happened around the start of the Flyers game on Saturday that turned everything around.

There has been some temptation to contact him and ask him what the fuck happened. I know some of my friends are almost as interested in the answer to that as I am. I didn't at first because I wasn't prepared to hear him say all the bad stuff I was thinking. Stuff like: it was my fault for being crazy (which I wasn't but most people aren't super rational right after being binned). I don't remember, or refuse to impart here, the other things I thought.

Am I ready to hear why now? Do I risk the contact and the attendant anxiety while I wait for a reply? Because we all know that there's a very good chance that he won't bother. I mean, he wouldn't man up to say that he wasn't feeling it anymore - why would this be any different?

So Much for That

Tell me, Joe, how relieved were you when you got work? When you knew you could text me and not have to lie about not coming up? Was it a huge weight off your shoulders? Did it alleviate the leaden feeling in your stomach? Perhaps I'm being naive in thinking you weren't lying about that. After all, I also believed that you'd tell me if you weren't interested and not just blow me off.

All that stuff about looking for this for the last 20 years? Guess that was a lie. So wait, you do lie? I'm confused. I'm confused as to why you couldn't tell me you changed your mind. I supposed you don't owe me anything. After all, our "relationship" was stillborn. You just didn't seem the type.

'Cause I'll admit I was messed up this weekend. I started thinking that my pheromones should be bottled as an alternative to Mace or pepper-spray. A non-lethal, yet wickedly effective man-repellent.

Yes, I got a little weird Friday night but I thought we were over that. Was it because I admitted I liked you? A lot? Was I not playing by the rules that we had been ignoring anyway? Or was it because you're so convinced that you are a crazy-magnet that you couldn't believe that I was any different? That despite my mostly normal behavior I was going to show up at your doorstep with a ball-gag, a gallon of Maalox and some rubber sheets?

So I don't know who to blame. Me, for being mildly awkward? Or you, for not having the balls to tell me? Either way, it's lose-lose, Joey.

Dunzo

My brief spate of fickleness has passed. I have decided that the thing with K is not going to happen. Obviously feeling "meh" about the sitch was a fairly good indicator that we were not destined for ever-lasting lurrrrrrve. And it probably wasn't a good sign that I got all salty when he asked, nay, told me to try to express my feelings. Sorry dude, you can't express what isn't there.

The following day he was his usual text message-y self. To avoid dealing with him during work hours, I told him I was busy. Later that night he sent me more messages. He asked if everything was OK. I said there was some stuff on my mind and he immediately asked if it was him.

Duh.

No, I didn't say that! Sheesh, what kind of person do you think I am? You know what - never mind answering that. Anyway, I said I needed some thinking time and that we'd talk the next day. He called me right then.

Guh.

Kind of defeats the whole purpose of "time to think", K. I said as much to him and got off the phone rather quickly. Later that evening I felt kind of bad for being shirty and sent him this: You're coming on too strong emotionally and I don't deal well with that. The first part is true. More on the second part later.* I didn't get a reply until the next morning. He said: I knew it was me. I'm sorry.

Oy.

K, if you knew it was you then why did you push it? The reply? I don't know. I'm an idiot. Taking a small amount of pity on him (sorry for the rule #5 violation), I said You're not an idiot. Really, yeah he is. Next came: I'll understand if you don't want to see me anymore. Now, I really should have just nipped the whole thing. Said: Good because I don't want to. However, in my moment of pity, I told him that I didn't know yet if I wanted to see him again. I don't want to see him again. In the spirit of full disclosure, I had a moment the other night where I got a bit skeeved remembering the making out. So all that remains, if I'm going to be a nice(ish) person, is to tell him it's over.

*Here is my more. I'm fine with talking about my feelings if there are any feelings there. It's not always the easiest thing to do, but I'm not going to manufacture an emotional conversation to satisfy your needs.

One last thing. I've been the person who is more emotionally involved before. The key to not completely ruining things is to HIDE IT. Or at least let it leak out sloooooowly. Wait until you are more certain of a positive response. You're probably never going to have absolute certainty, but there are times that work better than others. It doesn't make your feelings less valid, but it (in my experience) makes is less likely to frighten the other person away. This isn't to say that people who have expressed the heavy stuff early have disastrous relationships. If K had been someone else, I may have been all about the gooshy.

Doubtful, equivocal, fluctuating, inconclusive, irresolute, mixed, uncertain, undecided, vacillating, warring, wavering

OK, for serious people - what the fuck is wrong with me? Wait, wait, before you offer up suggestions, allow me to be more specific.

I saw K last night. It was mostly a repeat of Friday night with one distinct difference: I didn't have the giddy, shaky, OMG, I MADE OUT!!!!11! feeling I had Friday after K left. I don't know if it is because the novelty wore off that quickly, or if it is because I got my make-out fix and I'm good for a while or what. I understand that the first flush of infatuation can pass in a blink, but one time? Really?

Maybe it was his refusal to have the sex. I do respect his decision to wait, but dammit, I need cock! He may prefer to take it slow physically, but I'm all about taking it slow emotionally. Don't love me - fuck me. Sure, sure, K says he has had bad experiences with being physically intimate quickly, but don't judge me on your past experiences. Stop laughing. I know everyone does this - yes, everyone, but it still chaps my ass. I do the best I can to separate my past from my present and future. I'm sure it's been mixed results regarding the success of that effort.

K has also taken to sending me "xoxo" texts. I feel that it is way too soon for "xoxo" texts. While his enthusiasm is flattering, I'm a little turned off by the overeager puppy vibe. He says that I'm the one good thing he has to look forward to (we have dinner planned for Friday). Dude, I'm really sorry you got laid off and a summons for jury duty, but please don't put the burden of your happiness on my shoulders. I did not want to go from single to smothered in one easy step. It's too soon to be all tentacle-y.

I realize that I'm being awful picky and ambivalent. I was all about him right up until he came over last night. I still wanted to make-out with him, but that could be because I'm still filling those tanks. He is sweet and nice and smart and occasionally funny. We like a lot of the same things. He's a decent kisser and not shy about telling me what he wants and very eager to please. He likes my cooking and can pick out an acceptable bottle of wine. What's the problem? Is it that he's not normally someone I'd be attracted to? Physically, I mean. Dunno. All I do know is that I need to figure out how I'm going to deal with this. Knowing me, I'll decide tomorrow to tell him it's not gonna happen, and then want him back on Wednesday. Welcome to my life.

Fickle, thy name is Carrie G

After my not exciting date, I wasn't getting the same level of contact from K. That was fine with me. With any luck, he sensed the lack of interest/sparks and was willing to let things fade away. Then, for no apparent reason, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Not so much of the "oh, I suddenly loooooove him" variety. More of the "why isn't he pining for me in a visible, ego-boosting way?" variety. Yeah, I'm a bitch. (I also realize that I use quotation marks too much. Oh well.)

Why is it that when he started texting me again, I was annoyed? Wasn't I just thinking that he should be pursuing me regardless? That my lack of interest shouldn't have deterred him? Am I secretly desiring a showdown where I gently but firmly express my lack of attraction? I sure hope not. I suppose I could do what my dad suggested and tell K that office romances are a bad idea, but I feel like that leaves things too open-ended. Like I'm saying I would get with him if I got a new job.

Several of my friends have suggested using K to get mine. One friend said I should get mine while picturing someone else. Pfft, like I haven't done that before. And I have thought about it. Just overwhelming the awkwardness with a whirlwind sexual advance, riding him hard and leaving him a quivering pile of movie-quote-spewing man jelly. However, I forsee a couple of problems with that approach. One, that's just not nice. Two, if he's as inexperienced as I think he is (an unfair assumption, but again, oh well), it'll probably attach him even more firmly to me. That's kinda the opposite of what I'm going for. Three, I'm not about the awkward, potentially bad sex. I know there are people out there who will disagree, but to me, no sex is preferable to awkward, potentially bad sex.

I really should do the grown-up thing and tell K that I'm not attracted to him. It isn't fair to keep up the communication when I have no intention of taking things any further. BUT! I still have the niggling fear that I'm not giving him a fair chance. HOWEVER! Not attracted is not attracted, right? RIGHT?!?

Boring Recap of a Boring Date

OK, I know there is a handful of people who are hoping for a no-holds barred, action-filled, painfully awkward romp through dating hell. As much as I hate to disappoint my loyal readers; it wasn't anything of the sort.

When K called me earlier this evening, he seemed marginally less awkward. We agreed to meet at 7:30 to shoot some pool. And just for future reference, K: don't say you only need 15 minutes to get somewhere and then tell me you're going to be 10 minutes late. It's just not good business sense.

Honestly, the whole date was so uneventful that it doesn't bear repeating. K was a little better about asking questions and managed not to speak German to me the whole time. I beat him in three straight games. The only relative he seems to give a shit about is his dad. He likes sashimi but not sushi. When he muffed a shot he'd say Oh, bother!" with a British accent. When he had trouble sinking the 4 (the purple one), he called it the evil Barney ball. I tried not to encourage the weirdness, but sometimes I could think of anything neutral to say.

See, pretty boring. I was in fairly typical form. I tried not to censor myself too much because I wanted K to get a taste of the real Carrie G. As I did this, I came to a realization: I'm fairly certain that me being me is unbearably cute to K. No, I don't think I'm irresistible, but I got a pretty serious "You're stinkin' awesome" vibe from him. Quick example - I said something about how the family of my one ex seemed to like me better than they liked their son. K said, "Well, I can see that." This was before I explained how the ex abandoned his baby boy to hitch-hike across the US and a good portion of Canada.

As flattering as it is to have someone interested in me; I'm not going to jump all over it just because I don't currently have any other options. If I were attracted to K, I might be more willing to pursue this, but I'm not. He's a nice dude, but I don't think I have the energy to work through the awkward.

Um...

I really should wait 5 minutes before posting. He asked to reschedule. Now this is supposed to happen Sunday.

Blergh Part Two

Did he cancel on me?

-Yup.

Was a reason given?

-Nope.

Am I pissed?

-A little.

What happens next?

-Damned if I know.

Blergh

I did the grown-up thing in a moderately grown-up way.

Sent a text asking why he didn't call.

He fell asleep.

Did he call tonight?

No.

Will I tell him to call me?

No.

Will I still have dinner with him?

Leaning towards yes. After all, I do need to put forth some effort.

Does this make me a lame-o?

Eh. Jury's still out on that one.

What The Fuck?

I'm confused and here is why. K was supposed to call me last night. He had sent me a text message during the day asking if he could call. I said sure, anytime after 8. He seemed pretty psyched about an actual non-text conversation. We did our usual (so far as something that's been going on for less than a week is usual) texting thing and met outside at 5:30 when he was done work. I specifically said "I'll talk to you later" as I went back inside.

Moving the story along; I get home, feed the cats, make a sandwich and prepare to watch Chuck. I'm figuring that I can expect a call anywhere from 8:15 on. That's what "after 8" means to me. Perhaps you can guess what comes next. Chuck ends and Heroes starts and no phone call. Yes, I could have called him, but he asked to call me.

I was flipping to the Phils game during commercials and notice that the Phils were winning 2-1. K was told by his boss not to watch the game because when he does, the Phils lose. Superstitious nonsense, but it gave me something to say. I sent him a text saying something along the lines of "You must not be watching the game because the Phils are winning." I get nothing.

Being the moderately crazy person I am, I start wondering if maybe there was some sort of family emergency he had to deal with, or if he had gotten into a car accident on the way home from work. I'd feel pretty shitty if I found out he didn't call because he was lying in Frankford-Torresdale, doped up on morphine. At that point, I decided to let it go and find out what was what the next day.

I get to work and I don't see his car. This lends credence to my accident theory, right? And in my defense, the weather was pretty crappy last night. In the interest of honesty, I thought it more likely that he was just at home sick. Apparently not, as he texted me mid-morning about the crazy wet, snowy weather we were having. I noticed later that his car was simply parked in a different spot. One point for my powers of observation. Again, in my defense, it wasn't just one or two spots away. It was a different row entirely. Yeah, OK, I'm a loser.
K seemed much less eager today. There were definitely fewer text messages. Also, when I was getting ready to come in from my evening break, I saw him walking to his car and he didn't even look at me. In his defense, I was facing away from the building and my hood was up. I don't know what to think. Part of me is wondering why any of this bothers me at all. I barely know the guy, I haven't had a conversation with him longer than about 10 minutes, aaaaand I just realized that I'm skipping over a whole bunch of shit.

*Abridged version: K asked for my number, we started text messaging. He asked me to dinner - that's supposed to happen Thursday. He straight-up said (texted) that he was interested in me. Positive signs, no? Back to the current rant.*

I was just starting to think that I could be interested in this dude. He seems sufficiently nerdy, we are GC, approximately the same age (less important), and, superficially at least, had some stuff in common. I don't know what to do. The sensible thing would be to ask him straight-out if there was some reason he seemed stand-offish. Everyone has bad days and I shouldn't think so highly of myself to assume that I had anything to do with it, if that were the case. Then I get to thinking; if I ask him if he's going off of me that may give him the idea that I'm more invested in this than I am. Though, looking back on the ranting, it would appear that I'm at least a little invested. The trouble is that I don't know if I'm interested in him or if I'm just pleased that someone is interested in me.

Progress?

I sent my buddy J a text today, asking him what the deal was with my admirer, K. I figured that it would be nice to know if K had given up on me. J reminded me that K was awkward but J'd see what the deal was. A few minutes later I get back "Come out for your break at 5." Except in txtspk. I shot back "Why? You gonna shove him at me?" J said no(lol), but he told K I was interested, K did a little happy dance (kinda cute, I guess) and passed his number to J to pass to me.

Still with me?

Here's my problem with that: If I call K, that is effectively taking the burden off of him. The whole point of me not offering up my number, through J, was to force K to put up or shut up. I expressed all this to J when I met him outside and he agreed with me. J offered to text K, but I don't know if that's the way to go. Really, I should have given my bloody email to J and worked it that way. If K's as awkward as I fear, I certainly don't want to have a painful conversation filled with silences and nervous laughter. And before you think I'm being unkind(er), I wasn't just referring to K. At least with email you have a chance to think about what you're going to say. Sure, nuances can be missed, but how subtle is our "getting to know you" conversation going to be?

Another item to add to the list: K asked J if I have any tattoos. Yes, yes I do. Six, to be precise, and I wouldn't mind another. J only knew of my one easily visible tattoo and said so. K seemed a little put off by the idea but still wanted me to have his number. I understand not liking tattoos, but shouldn't that be pretty far down on your list? After all, my ex-husband wasn't thrilled about them, but had some of his own by the time we split. And funny how that would be less appealing than the smoking. Unless K smokes; then it wouldn't be much of an issue.

As to J telling K I was interested; I don't know that I am. I am interested in finding out if I'm interested, if you know what I mean. It's not my intention to string him along, so I kind of wish J had found another way to find out what was going on.

I dunno. Do I text him? Do I let J continue as facilitator and tell K to text me? Should I drop the email idea and accept that this guy isn't going to be able to step up? Should I just cut and run? The fatalistic part of me is saying "why bother?"

Oh, Come On!

I'm thinking that this thing with my admirer isn't going to happen. I've made some effort to be in place when he could conceivably encounter me by taking my breaks when he usually goes to lunch or is leaving for the day. Didn't work out so good for me today. I saw neither hide nor hair.

Am I disappointed? A little, I guess. While I have admitted that I had never given this guy a second look, part of me was hoping that something would come of this. I'm wondering if I should be making more of an effort. If I should ask the buddy who told me about all this to pass along my number or something. Then I go "nah". I mean, if this guy wants me he should try harder, right? It isn't my bounden duty to make thing easier for him just because I know he likes me...or is it?

This is where things get murky. Should I actively encourage this guy even though I have no idea if I am going to like him? Am I supposed to take pity on his inability to manufacture small talk? Is it my responsibility to take the next step because he managed to say hello in passing? Is the fact that I'm even asking these questions a sign that this whole thing is doomed?

Now I know there are people out there who are screaming "This is 2008! What kind of woman can't ask a guy out?" Back off, bitches. I can, and have, asked guys out. There is generally an attraction on my part when that happens. I don't ask out random guys just to keep in practice. I know it's hard to strike up a conversation, especially if there are other people around, but for the fuck of shit, I am usually alone when I see him. And, AND we are out in the parking lot. The chances of being overheard are pretty slim. Kinda easy to recognize eavesdroppers in a parking lot.

Bottom line is this: I need some face time. You, Mr. Admirer, may love me from afar, but I need a little more to go on.

Stupid Girl Shit

I've been telling my friends that I'm not obsessing over my lack of a response from my not-date date last week. You probably know what's coming next...yeah, I'm lying about that a little bit.

I figure there are three possibilities. One, he thought it was funny/clever/cute/whatever, but didn't think a reply was necessary. Two, he did not find it funny/clever/cute/whatever, and is sparing my feelings by NOT replying. Three, he never checks his email and my clever little thing is languishing away in the inbox.

Are you ready to ask me why it matters so much? More importantly, do you want to ask what my clever little thing was? Because I like this boy. For a minute, after the meet-up, I thought that I had overestimated my virtual attraction, and that I didn't want him the way I thought I did. Um, I was wrong. I want to see him again. I want the wild monkey sex (eventually). I want to know if he realized I thought it was a date, or if he just assumed that his general awesomeness attracted yet another moth.

Here comes the oh-so typical girl reaction: Did he realize it was a date (to me)? Why would he say we could do "this" again if he didn't think I was an okay person? Why wouldn't he acknowledge my tiny effort to maintain contact? Why aren't I asking him these questions? As I've stated before, when you ask questions, you get answers. I don't know if I'm prepared for the answers I may get.

Of course, having a boring job and an overactive imagination, I have come up with a few ideas. Here's how it goes:

Him: Sorry I took so long to reply to your email. I'm really lax about checking it unless I am expecting something. Your clever thing was clever.

Me: Oh, don't worry about it. I've gone days without checking my mail. (Well, maybe I wouldn't say that. It's a lie and I don't like to lie, even if it furthers my purposes.) Thanks, I was inspired.

Him: I was thinking about seeing [insert movie here] this weekend. Do you want to go?

Me: Definitely. No one else I know is interested in going. I was about ready to see it alone. (Not a lie - I often go to movies alone.)

Him: Excellent. I'll met you at this place, at this time.

A relatively mild fantasy, I'll grant you, but that's really all I'm allowing myself to hope for. I do have far dirtier and involved scenarios, but those are for another post.

Rant on Dating

I'm beat and my foot is killing me, but there are some things I need to get out before I lose the thread entirely.

I guess it's because I don't date much, but I just realized that the reason that some people come off as so desperate and clingy is because they are so fucking frustrated with the effort of dating and they want this date to be the date. You know, the last date. It's not simply the loneliness. It's the getting dressed, monitoring your thought processes (especially if you're me), curbing the less than desirable habits, deconstructing and analyzing every stupid thing that happened and every word that was said.

People talk about vibes. "Oooo, did you get an 'I like you' vibe from him?" I don't fucking know. Do I actually know him? Not really. And for someone who is an advocate of communication, I am guilty of drawing my own conclusions instead of coming out and asking. Because asking is risky. If you ask a question, you'll invariably get an answer. You have to prepare yourself for all possible answers. There's the chance that you won't like the answer, but hey, you asked.

I think the best you can hope for is good conversation with a good person - good beer and good food is optional. Unfortunately, some people (and I have been guilty of this too) are too concerned with what comes next. Do I call him? Will he call me? I'd love to say that it doesn't matter, but we all know it does. Some small part of you is screaming "Oh my god, like me! Want to see me again! Think I'm witty and entertaining!" even though you know he didn't think you were a loser because he didn't ditch you while you were in the bathroom.

I'm noticing that I'm making less sense as I go on, so I believe I'll wrap it up. Dating is a trial, but as long as you're not concerned with forever, it can be OK, too. Words of wisdom, yo.