University City Dining Days was July 15-29. In keeping with my history of procrastination, BB and I went on the last night to Distrito, one of Jose Garces' places.
Forgive me in advance for not adding accent marks to the Spanish. I'm just not that kind of motivated.
I should have had an inkling of what to expect after viewing the website's primary color scheme, but I wasn't prepared for the pink. Very, very pink. Pink walls, pink t-shirts, pink napkins, pink plaid chair coverings. You get the idea. The whole space is pretty kitschy, what with the wall of luchador masks, glittery tabletops, and the Beetle that is a booth, but it's (surprisingly) not overwhelming. It is, however, a loud space. I don't know if the place is always packed on a Thursday, but there weren't many free tables upstairs.
Dining Days, for those of you who may not know, is when restaurants in a specific area offer fixed price menus. Much like Restaurant Week in any given city. Distrito was offering three courses for $30. I will mention that Distrito's menu descriptions veered dangerously close to Elements-style, but was saved by adding slightly more information. Example: sangria sorbet, as opposed to simply sangria, or grape.
First course was ceviche; yellowtail and octopus. While I enjoyed the octopus more than I thought I would, the yellowtail was fantastic. Very citrusy with a slight, lingering burn. There was also refrieds (I tried them but really not my thing), and guacamole. The guac was tasty enough, but oddly salty and a little light on the lime. Bear in mind that I'm a little sensitive to saltiness, so what I call salty is probably perfectly acceptable to many other people (I'm looking at you, JR).
Second course was queso fundido with shredded duck and peppers, head-on shrimps with a raisiny sauce, rabbit with a pineapple mole, and diver scallops. The fundido was gooey and delicious, served with silver dollar tortillas. I'll admit that the shrimp eyeballs threw me off a bit, but I was a brave little soldier and just chopped them off. The spice rub on the shrimp was, again, a bit salty, but otherwise subtly spicy. There was no sucking of the head though. The salsa served with the scallops was fruity and yummy and the rabbit...well, the rabbit tasted like chicken. The mole was tasty.
Dessert was chocolate flan and tres leches cake. The flan was more of a bitter chocolate pudding, but it did have the spicing of Mexican hot chocolate. The tres leches was very good, with a brown sugar crunchy topping and tropical fruit accompaniment. Oh, and there were drinks: white sangria (white wine, orange liqueur, apricot brandy) for me, and Dock Street Rye IPA for BB. The sangria was good, but the beer was on the bitter side (OK, super bitter) and didn't have much character. Then again, I don't like IPAs, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me.
The bathroom situation is a little unique at Distrito. There are 4 individual stalls; 2 men and 2 women. Or so I believe. I didn't really inspect all the doors, so there could have been a handicapped stall I didn't notice. Anyway, there's the stalls, and then a central handwashing station that is in full view of the dining room. I'm wondering if it's Garces' way of shaming people into washing their hands. Even weirder, I was telling my coworker, Mo, about the bathroom situation, and she said the only other place she saw that type of set-up was at another Mex place. Is it a Latino thing? Can I apply a sterotype here?
There were many other things on the menu that looked worth trying, so I would like to go back at some point. There are some chef's tasting options which are probably worth checking out. How could I resist ordering a Frida Kahlo tasting?
Showing posts with label review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label review. Show all posts
30 July 2010
12 July 2010
Restaurant Review - Elements Princeton
BB and I got cleaned up for a visit to Elements on Saturday night. We were smack-dab on time, but still had to wait a few minutes for our table. And those tables are oddly wide, or long, depending on how you want to look at it. I felt like they could have been shorter by about 4 inches, especially since the noise level was a bit high. Not an intimate place to have a meal, but the space was inviting with a vaguely Zen design scheme.
Our server, Giovanni, came to the table right away to ask about water preferences and wine lists. The water took longer than I would have liked, but I got over that. There was a little bread basket with some pretty tasty foccacia and crispy, cheesy things. Dining entertainment (for me, anyway) was provided by the table next to us, which was populated by two women and one guy. More on that later.
There were some changes to the menu from what I had seen online, but no big deal there. I had hard time choosing an appetizer, and eventually decided on the tuna tartare. Not adventurous, but it contained things I found tasty so I figured I wouldn't be disappointed. BB went for the foie gras.
Side note- this is what the menu descriptions were like:
foie gras
bitter chocolate, sour cherry, granola
or
tuna tartare
avocado, rice, nori
Our server, Giovanni, came to the table right away to ask about water preferences and wine lists. The water took longer than I would have liked, but I got over that. There was a little bread basket with some pretty tasty foccacia and crispy, cheesy things. Dining entertainment (for me, anyway) was provided by the table next to us, which was populated by two women and one guy. More on that later.
There were some changes to the menu from what I had seen online, but no big deal there. I had hard time choosing an appetizer, and eventually decided on the tuna tartare. Not adventurous, but it contained things I found tasty so I figured I wouldn't be disappointed. BB went for the foie gras.
Side note- this is what the menu descriptions were like:
foie gras
bitter chocolate, sour cherry, granola
or
tuna tartare
avocado, rice, nori
To me, that's equivalent to describing a dog as: dog; fur, eye, claw, but oh well. The foie gras was served pate-style and was a bit on the salty side. It was very tasty despite having the consistency of spray cheese. The sour cherry goop accompanying it was perfect. My tartare, as predicted, wasn't new and exciting but it was yummy.
Entrees: lamb for BB; short ribs for me. The short ribs were fantastic. Rare, tender, served with panzanella...so good. I was sad to have to leave a few bites behind. I've had some good luck with short ribs (see Sepia review). The bite of lamb I had was good, and BB seemed satisfied with his choice.
I wasn't super pleased with my wine selection. I wasn't familiar with many of the vineyards on the list, so I had done a bit of research. I settled on a 2007 Lucky Country Shiraz. It was on the tannin-y side when opened, but mellowed with airing. Unfortunately, it never developed any real complexity. It was acceptable but no more. I felt bad that I hadn't chosen better since it was my job. BB is a beer connoisseur and I feel like he would have made a better beer selection for me than I did with the wine for him. Alas. It wasn't terrible, just not great.
We bypassed a sweet dessert for the cheese plate. There were three cheeses: a bleu (which I did eat, thankyouverymuch), a sheep's milk cheddar (I think), and a brie (my fave, of course). BB liked the sheep's milk the best, probably because it was served with a grainy mustard. The brie got a blueberry compote, which was surprisingly tasteless. Elements has a good tea selection, and their coffee was more than drinkable.
OK, I know you're waiting for my comments on the table next to us. First of all, they weren't quiet by any meaning of the word. As I said, the place was on the loud side, so I can't say the threesome was a particular nuisance. The two women were of Eastern European extraction, the dude was Latino, I think. They were the kind of people where you wonder just why they chose Elements. The dude was reading the description for the foie gras appetizer and professed a desire to vomit. Then don't get it fella. No one is forcing you to eat delicious fancy food. They ordered apps and then after those were done, all three of them disappeared. Purses were left behind, so I assumed it was an en masse smoke break, but they were gone for almost half and hour. Bit of weirdness. When ordering entrees, one lady asked if the ham could be left out of the dish. She doesn't eat ham. Then order something else without ham, lady. I will say that Giovanni asked about food allergies, but it's not fucking Burger King people. Part of the experience is seeing what the chef pairs with what and opening yourself to new flavors. Anyway. It was free entertainment and it was fun witnessing the Philly Russian Princess syndrome outside of my neighborhood. "Yes, Sveta, I will buy you things and hold your bags and pay for your friends just so I look like a stud."
Rereading that paragraph makes it seem that it wasn't nearly as entertaining as it was. I didn't take notes so I'm sure something got lost between Saturday night and Monday morning.
Would I recommend Elements? Yep, I would. It is on the pricier side, but the portion side is good, and the food well worth experiencing. I can't speak to their bar, but the drink selections looked pretty decent and they had a reasonable beer menu, too.
Entrees: lamb for BB; short ribs for me. The short ribs were fantastic. Rare, tender, served with panzanella...so good. I was sad to have to leave a few bites behind. I've had some good luck with short ribs (see Sepia review). The bite of lamb I had was good, and BB seemed satisfied with his choice.
I wasn't super pleased with my wine selection. I wasn't familiar with many of the vineyards on the list, so I had done a bit of research. I settled on a 2007 Lucky Country Shiraz. It was on the tannin-y side when opened, but mellowed with airing. Unfortunately, it never developed any real complexity. It was acceptable but no more. I felt bad that I hadn't chosen better since it was my job. BB is a beer connoisseur and I feel like he would have made a better beer selection for me than I did with the wine for him. Alas. It wasn't terrible, just not great.
We bypassed a sweet dessert for the cheese plate. There were three cheeses: a bleu (which I did eat, thankyouverymuch), a sheep's milk cheddar (I think), and a brie (my fave, of course). BB liked the sheep's milk the best, probably because it was served with a grainy mustard. The brie got a blueberry compote, which was surprisingly tasteless. Elements has a good tea selection, and their coffee was more than drinkable.
OK, I know you're waiting for my comments on the table next to us. First of all, they weren't quiet by any meaning of the word. As I said, the place was on the loud side, so I can't say the threesome was a particular nuisance. The two women were of Eastern European extraction, the dude was Latino, I think. They were the kind of people where you wonder just why they chose Elements. The dude was reading the description for the foie gras appetizer and professed a desire to vomit. Then don't get it fella. No one is forcing you to eat delicious fancy food. They ordered apps and then after those were done, all three of them disappeared. Purses were left behind, so I assumed it was an en masse smoke break, but they were gone for almost half and hour. Bit of weirdness. When ordering entrees, one lady asked if the ham could be left out of the dish. She doesn't eat ham. Then order something else without ham, lady. I will say that Giovanni asked about food allergies, but it's not fucking Burger King people. Part of the experience is seeing what the chef pairs with what and opening yourself to new flavors. Anyway. It was free entertainment and it was fun witnessing the Philly Russian Princess syndrome outside of my neighborhood. "Yes, Sveta, I will buy you things and hold your bags and pay for your friends just so I look like a stud."
Rereading that paragraph makes it seem that it wasn't nearly as entertaining as it was. I didn't take notes so I'm sure something got lost between Saturday night and Monday morning.
Would I recommend Elements? Yep, I would. It is on the pricier side, but the portion side is good, and the food well worth experiencing. I can't speak to their bar, but the drink selections looked pretty decent and they had a reasonable beer menu, too.
23 June 2010
Movie Review: The A-Team
Do you enjoy wildly implausible situations? Does it make you happy to hear Liam Neeson strive mightily to suppress his Irish accent? Do you love it when a plan comes together? Then The A-Team is the movie for you! As always, spoilers may lie within.
The extended opening credits introduces you to the members of The A-Team: Hannibal (Neeson), B.A. (Jackson), Face (Cooper), and Murdock (Copely). Hannibal and Face are on a mission to deal with some Mexican general. Face, of course, got caught boning the general's hot wife. Hannibal is about to be fed to the dogs but, of course, he has a plan to escape.
Hannibal encounters B.A. shortly after B.A. has pulped a bunch of Mexican car thieves. Not because it was the right thing to do, but because he had been dishonorably discharged (more on that later) from the Army and needed something to pay the bills, so he turned to jacking cars for a chop shop. B.A. retrieves his beloved van and takes off across the Mexican desert. Hannibal carjacks B.A., they bond over Ranger tattoos and race off to save Face from a smelly death-by-tire-fire.
The still-incomplete Team makes their way to a hospital, where Hannibal has a pilot (go on, guess who) lined up to take them back into the US. Predictably enough, the Mexican baddies track the Team to the hospital, where Murdock, a patient, has just finished stitching up the bullet wound that B.A. got when Hannibal jacked him. B.A. gets all Hulk-smashy when he see the lightning bolt stitched into his massive biceps. Murdock says craaaazy things in a wide variety of accents. The Team loads up into an old hospital chopper and has a batty, upside down, engine-stalling chase back to the US border. It is this helicopter ride that ruins flying entirely for B.A. And that's the Team.
Cut to 8 years and 80 successful missions later. The Team is in Iraq. Somehow, even though I swear he said he was dishonorably discharged, B.A. is back in uniform. Feel free to correct me if I misheard.
Enter Lynch (Patrick Wilson) and Sosa (Biel). Lynch is a shady CIA operative who tempts Hannibal into taking a job retrieving missing hundred-dollar minting plates. Similarly, Sosa dangles the job in from of Face, who she (shockingly) has history with. A plan comes together.
I did quite like how they would lay out the plan and cut to scenes of the plan going down. Hannibal has a seemingly endless supply of little model cars, trucks, copters, missiles - you name it.
Oh, I should probably mention that there is a private security firm in the picture, Black Forest. How's that for subtext? The chief sleaze is a dude named Pike (Bloom).
All is happy, laughing congratulations until someone blows up Major Dad and steals the plates from the Team. You see Pike & Co. walking away from the wreckage so there's no question there that the Team was framed. Which, like, duh. That's the idea behind the A-Team, no?
Court marshal happens. Team members are shipped off to different Army facilities. six months pass and Lynch visits Hannibal in jail and offers to help him break out if Hannibal and his Team can retrieve the plates. Of course Hannibal and his Team can retrieve the plates. They are the fucking A-Team! There is also a promise of name-clearing and reinstatement.
During the ensuing escape montage, you learn that B.A. has found inner peace and won't be killing anymore. Murdock is still "Howlin' Mad", and Face managed to bang his female guard. Who says the Army lacks discipline?
While I wasn't thrilled that they shoe-horned in a vaguely romantic subplot, I do have to admit that it was a very small part of the overall "plot". Biel plays her part as an ambitious DOD lieutenant well enough, I suppose. I don't much like her in general, so I have nothing more to say on the matter.
For those of you looking forward to the parachuting tank scene, it is even more far out than you think.
OK, this is taking too long, so quick and dirty time.
Plates are located, in Pike's possession. Sosa is hot on the Team's trail and they use her and the two dudes who follow her around to set up the ultimate showdown at the Port of Los Angeles. Which is also where The Losers climax plays out. PoLA is the new New York? There are massive cargo containers everywhere, splosions, a Kevlar helmet, some fisticuffs, and then the final reveal. Yes, the A-Team saved the day,and yes, they are once again carted off to prison. Luckily for our Team o' heroes; Sosa, in a wildly inappropriate move, passes a handcuff key to Face via her sexy tongue action. But of course - there's gotta be room for a sequel.
Bottom line? The movie is very enjoyable and loud and testosterone-y. Copely steals the movie as Murdock, playing him with surprisingly convincing moments of lucidity, tempered by bat-shit insanity. As I said earlier, Neeson has trouble with the American accent, but I like him enough that it didn't ruin things. Jackson did a decent job as a first-time actor. He managed to play B.A. with some depth, but didn't try to be a whole lot more than a big tough dude who occasionally struggles with being a big tough dude. Cooper was fine as Face and they had him shirtless quite frequently. Wilson slimed entertainingly across the screen and had some nice repartee with Pike, and with the Team. As long as you go into the theater knowing that all you're getting is slimy bad guys, splosions, and testosterone, you'll have a fine time.
The extended opening credits introduces you to the members of The A-Team: Hannibal (Neeson), B.A. (Jackson), Face (Cooper), and Murdock (Copely). Hannibal and Face are on a mission to deal with some Mexican general. Face, of course, got caught boning the general's hot wife. Hannibal is about to be fed to the dogs but, of course, he has a plan to escape.
Hannibal encounters B.A. shortly after B.A. has pulped a bunch of Mexican car thieves. Not because it was the right thing to do, but because he had been dishonorably discharged (more on that later) from the Army and needed something to pay the bills, so he turned to jacking cars for a chop shop. B.A. retrieves his beloved van and takes off across the Mexican desert. Hannibal carjacks B.A., they bond over Ranger tattoos and race off to save Face from a smelly death-by-tire-fire.
The still-incomplete Team makes their way to a hospital, where Hannibal has a pilot (go on, guess who) lined up to take them back into the US. Predictably enough, the Mexican baddies track the Team to the hospital, where Murdock, a patient, has just finished stitching up the bullet wound that B.A. got when Hannibal jacked him. B.A. gets all Hulk-smashy when he see the lightning bolt stitched into his massive biceps. Murdock says craaaazy things in a wide variety of accents. The Team loads up into an old hospital chopper and has a batty, upside down, engine-stalling chase back to the US border. It is this helicopter ride that ruins flying entirely for B.A. And that's the Team.
Cut to 8 years and 80 successful missions later. The Team is in Iraq. Somehow, even though I swear he said he was dishonorably discharged, B.A. is back in uniform. Feel free to correct me if I misheard.
Enter Lynch (Patrick Wilson) and Sosa (Biel). Lynch is a shady CIA operative who tempts Hannibal into taking a job retrieving missing hundred-dollar minting plates. Similarly, Sosa dangles the job in from of Face, who she (shockingly) has history with. A plan comes together.
I did quite like how they would lay out the plan and cut to scenes of the plan going down. Hannibal has a seemingly endless supply of little model cars, trucks, copters, missiles - you name it.
Oh, I should probably mention that there is a private security firm in the picture, Black Forest. How's that for subtext? The chief sleaze is a dude named Pike (Bloom).
All is happy, laughing congratulations until someone blows up Major Dad and steals the plates from the Team. You see Pike & Co. walking away from the wreckage so there's no question there that the Team was framed. Which, like, duh. That's the idea behind the A-Team, no?
Court marshal happens. Team members are shipped off to different Army facilities. six months pass and Lynch visits Hannibal in jail and offers to help him break out if Hannibal and his Team can retrieve the plates. Of course Hannibal and his Team can retrieve the plates. They are the fucking A-Team! There is also a promise of name-clearing and reinstatement.
During the ensuing escape montage, you learn that B.A. has found inner peace and won't be killing anymore. Murdock is still "Howlin' Mad", and Face managed to bang his female guard. Who says the Army lacks discipline?
While I wasn't thrilled that they shoe-horned in a vaguely romantic subplot, I do have to admit that it was a very small part of the overall "plot". Biel plays her part as an ambitious DOD lieutenant well enough, I suppose. I don't much like her in general, so I have nothing more to say on the matter.
For those of you looking forward to the parachuting tank scene, it is even more far out than you think.
OK, this is taking too long, so quick and dirty time.
Plates are located, in Pike's possession. Sosa is hot on the Team's trail and they use her and the two dudes who follow her around to set up the ultimate showdown at the Port of Los Angeles. Which is also where The Losers climax plays out. PoLA is the new New York? There are massive cargo containers everywhere, splosions, a Kevlar helmet, some fisticuffs, and then the final reveal. Yes, the A-Team saved the day,and yes, they are once again carted off to prison. Luckily for our Team o' heroes; Sosa, in a wildly inappropriate move, passes a handcuff key to Face via her sexy tongue action. But of course - there's gotta be room for a sequel.
Bottom line? The movie is very enjoyable and loud and testosterone-y. Copely steals the movie as Murdock, playing him with surprisingly convincing moments of lucidity, tempered by bat-shit insanity. As I said earlier, Neeson has trouble with the American accent, but I like him enough that it didn't ruin things. Jackson did a decent job as a first-time actor. He managed to play B.A. with some depth, but didn't try to be a whole lot more than a big tough dude who occasionally struggles with being a big tough dude. Cooper was fine as Face and they had him shirtless quite frequently. Wilson slimed entertainingly across the screen and had some nice repartee with Pike, and with the Team. As long as you go into the theater knowing that all you're getting is slimy bad guys, splosions, and testosterone, you'll have a fine time.
07 May 2010
Movie Review - The Losers
Went to see The Losers last night with the new boy. I had read several reviews of the movie that said it was your basic blow-shit-up flick, which we all know is my favorite kind. Oh, spoiler warning, just in case.
In the interest of full disclosure, I don't know the source material at all, so I can't comment on how faithful the movie was.
There is no clear reason why these fellas are "The Losers". The head dude, Clay, refers to them as "Losers" once during the movie. And there is one conversation about why Clay doesn't want to be called Colonel anymore: "...because if he doesn't have the Army, then he's just a loser like the rest of us." There's more to that conversation, but it's not especially important. And I know I used quotes, but it's really paraphrased.
The movie opens in Bolivia, where the crew is marking a drug lord's estate for bombing. You are introduced to the "The Losers" in comic book panel style; with their handle (Jensen, Cougar, Roque, Pooch, Clay) and their speciality. No explanation is offered as to the origins of said handles. It's probably goes without saying, but the attack on the drug lord's compound doesn't go as planned. The Losers decide to abort the mission. Turns out, a shadowy figure named Max had reasons for destroying the drug lord and intercepted the Losers' abort order. Losers are framed for a massive loss of life and are stranded in Bolivia, while everyone in the States thinks they are dead.
Clay is obsessed with finding out more about Max, while the rest of the Losers just want to clear their names and go home. Enter Zoe Saldana (Aisha); beautiful (duh) and mysteriously rich, and willing to bankroll the Losers in order to get her hands on Max.
I should probably mention that Max is in the process of buying a weapon called a "snook". It's sort of a bomb, and sort of a tornado generator, and mostly a huge pile of crap. Shiny, though. Max has a side-kick named Wade who doesn't seem to know much about anything and is mostly used to toss people off buildings (accidentally) and guard "packages".
The Losers concoct a plan to abduct Max. Doesn't go so well. There is some internal strife, especially between Clay and Roque. Then (oh no!) it seems like Aisha set them up. Roque wants to kill her, but Clay, who has a weakness for volatile women, says no.
Have I mentioned the explosions? There were explosions. Thankfully, the movie never tries to be more than it is, and they avoid shoveling plot into the mix. There is one bit with Max and his mangled hand that has no earthly reason for existing, but they mostly avoid such things.
And yes, it was left open for a sequel, but I honestly don't see that happening. Aisha and Clay have unfinished business (I know I didn't talk about that), Max is still loose, and the Losers still haven't cleared their names. I figure that people who saw the movie without knowing the source don't particularly care about resolution (you so don't get that kind of invested in the characters); and the people who saw the movie because of the comic already know how it plays out.
In the interest of full disclosure, I don't know the source material at all, so I can't comment on how faithful the movie was.
There is no clear reason why these fellas are "The Losers". The head dude, Clay, refers to them as "Losers" once during the movie. And there is one conversation about why Clay doesn't want to be called Colonel anymore: "...because if he doesn't have the Army, then he's just a loser like the rest of us." There's more to that conversation, but it's not especially important. And I know I used quotes, but it's really paraphrased.
The movie opens in Bolivia, where the crew is marking a drug lord's estate for bombing. You are introduced to the "The Losers" in comic book panel style; with their handle (Jensen, Cougar, Roque, Pooch, Clay) and their speciality. No explanation is offered as to the origins of said handles. It's probably goes without saying, but the attack on the drug lord's compound doesn't go as planned. The Losers decide to abort the mission. Turns out, a shadowy figure named Max had reasons for destroying the drug lord and intercepted the Losers' abort order. Losers are framed for a massive loss of life and are stranded in Bolivia, while everyone in the States thinks they are dead.
Clay is obsessed with finding out more about Max, while the rest of the Losers just want to clear their names and go home. Enter Zoe Saldana (Aisha); beautiful (duh) and mysteriously rich, and willing to bankroll the Losers in order to get her hands on Max.
I should probably mention that Max is in the process of buying a weapon called a "snook". It's sort of a bomb, and sort of a tornado generator, and mostly a huge pile of crap. Shiny, though. Max has a side-kick named Wade who doesn't seem to know much about anything and is mostly used to toss people off buildings (accidentally) and guard "packages".
The Losers concoct a plan to abduct Max. Doesn't go so well. There is some internal strife, especially between Clay and Roque. Then (oh no!) it seems like Aisha set them up. Roque wants to kill her, but Clay, who has a weakness for volatile women, says no.
Have I mentioned the explosions? There were explosions. Thankfully, the movie never tries to be more than it is, and they avoid shoveling plot into the mix. There is one bit with Max and his mangled hand that has no earthly reason for existing, but they mostly avoid such things.
And yes, it was left open for a sequel, but I honestly don't see that happening. Aisha and Clay have unfinished business (I know I didn't talk about that), Max is still loose, and the Losers still haven't cleared their names. I figure that people who saw the movie without knowing the source don't particularly care about resolution (you so don't get that kind of invested in the characters); and the people who saw the movie because of the comic already know how it plays out.
16 April 2010
Another Crap Movie Review
Last night was Wawa and crappy movie night. Wawa was up to its usual standards. The movie, well, that was a new level of crapiness.
We watched Mortal Passions. Side note: there really should be a separate category under "Free Movies" in the On Demand section. Something called "Crappy Movies that are Crap" might work. Back to the movie. The premise of the movie is this: money-grubbing, cheating whore of a wife wants to off husband (played by Zach Galligan of Gremlins fame) for insurance money. Wife has plan to fake depressed husband's suicide with cokehead lover but is interrupted by the arrival of husband's older brother. To add a little drama to the drama, the brother and the wife don't get along. Oh noes!
To be fair, the movie is a product of the era, which was late 80s, early 90s. I'm talking about scrunchies and low ponytails with fluffy bangs, denim shorts cuffed at the knee, fucking Z Cavariccis! Seriously, even the older brother used a scrunchie to hold back his "I'm a rebel" long hair.
No one is safe from the wife's vagina. After the brother follows her to the lover's condo and then shoots the lover; the wife rubs herself on the brother until all his brains run into his dick and they fuck on the bed while the cokehead lover chills in the corner. Then comes the obligatory wrap the corpse in garbage bags and duct tape and toss in the trunk of the car. Then, then! they proceed to bury the dude in the backyard of Gremlin's guy house! Sure, the guy was doing some landscaping to work through his issue so there was a hole waiting, but really? Really? Really.
Of course things spiral out of control. The husband, who had only suspected cheating up til this point, has his suspicions confirmed by the brother. Some random chick who had been dating the cokehead lover shows up and acts all quirky. Which is apparently just what the husband likes because next thing you know, they are getting cozy at a diner and the quirky chick is talking about fucking. They don't, but she has no problem blackmailing the husband. And I totally skipped over a bunch of stuff there. There's a bank box filled with money, the fact that the father (of the husband and the brother. try to keep up.) had committed suicide, the brother's history of over-reacting to people who fuck with his little bro, the shrink that Little Miss McWhorey is manipulating, and Zach Galligan's fucked up right ear. I'm not kidding, people. He has an extra fold in there that was completely distracting. Major alien ear syndrome.
Predictably enough, the husband and the quirky chick find cokehead lover in the backyard. The husband removes a finger and presents it to the shrink as proof that his wife was trying to kill him. For whatever reason, the shrink doesn't follow through with calling the cops, and instead calls the wife and says he needs to speak with her. Wife shows up and when the shrink doesn't succumb to her ravenous vagina magic, she shoots him. It was actually pretty fucking funny because the recoil knocked her back into the window and she had a hilarious look of shock on her face. Cue the confrontation back the house, brother against brother. Older brother leaves, but doesn't take the cash. The husband mans up and kicks out the wife who gets in the brother's car. Quirky chick shows up and says she didn't want the husband's money and he says "Now's not a good time." Awesome.
And if you're thinking that more people need to die, fear not. The brother, feeling all guilty for fucking the wife and considering stealing the bank box $$$, drives his convertible off the road and manages to flip it over on completely flat ground. Cue Wilhelm Scream, cut back to husband sitting in giant house, hugging a bagful of cash, slightly witty remark is made, end.
I know; words fail you, right? Well, if you have Comcast (sorry, Xfinity) check it out. My slapdash synopsis really doesn't do it justice. Then again, what could?
We watched Mortal Passions. Side note: there really should be a separate category under "Free Movies" in the On Demand section. Something called "Crappy Movies that are Crap" might work. Back to the movie. The premise of the movie is this: money-grubbing, cheating whore of a wife wants to off husband (played by Zach Galligan of Gremlins fame) for insurance money. Wife has plan to fake depressed husband's suicide with cokehead lover but is interrupted by the arrival of husband's older brother. To add a little drama to the drama, the brother and the wife don't get along. Oh noes!
To be fair, the movie is a product of the era, which was late 80s, early 90s. I'm talking about scrunchies and low ponytails with fluffy bangs, denim shorts cuffed at the knee, fucking Z Cavariccis! Seriously, even the older brother used a scrunchie to hold back his "I'm a rebel" long hair.
No one is safe from the wife's vagina. After the brother follows her to the lover's condo and then shoots the lover; the wife rubs herself on the brother until all his brains run into his dick and they fuck on the bed while the cokehead lover chills in the corner. Then comes the obligatory wrap the corpse in garbage bags and duct tape and toss in the trunk of the car. Then, then! they proceed to bury the dude in the backyard of Gremlin's guy house! Sure, the guy was doing some landscaping to work through his issue so there was a hole waiting, but really? Really? Really.
Of course things spiral out of control. The husband, who had only suspected cheating up til this point, has his suspicions confirmed by the brother. Some random chick who had been dating the cokehead lover shows up and acts all quirky. Which is apparently just what the husband likes because next thing you know, they are getting cozy at a diner and the quirky chick is talking about fucking. They don't, but she has no problem blackmailing the husband. And I totally skipped over a bunch of stuff there. There's a bank box filled with money, the fact that the father (of the husband and the brother. try to keep up.) had committed suicide, the brother's history of over-reacting to people who fuck with his little bro, the shrink that Little Miss McWhorey is manipulating, and Zach Galligan's fucked up right ear. I'm not kidding, people. He has an extra fold in there that was completely distracting. Major alien ear syndrome.
Predictably enough, the husband and the quirky chick find cokehead lover in the backyard. The husband removes a finger and presents it to the shrink as proof that his wife was trying to kill him. For whatever reason, the shrink doesn't follow through with calling the cops, and instead calls the wife and says he needs to speak with her. Wife shows up and when the shrink doesn't succumb to her ravenous vagina magic, she shoots him. It was actually pretty fucking funny because the recoil knocked her back into the window and she had a hilarious look of shock on her face. Cue the confrontation back the house, brother against brother. Older brother leaves, but doesn't take the cash. The husband mans up and kicks out the wife who gets in the brother's car. Quirky chick shows up and says she didn't want the husband's money and he says "Now's not a good time." Awesome.
And if you're thinking that more people need to die, fear not. The brother, feeling all guilty for fucking the wife and considering stealing the bank box $$$, drives his convertible off the road and manages to flip it over on completely flat ground. Cue Wilhelm Scream, cut back to husband sitting in giant house, hugging a bagful of cash, slightly witty remark is made, end.
I know; words fail you, right? Well, if you have Comcast (sorry, Xfinity) check it out. My slapdash synopsis really doesn't do it justice. Then again, what could?
03 November 2009
Killing Me With Corniness
My friends and I enjoy watching crappy movies. One example: Christmas Evil. Another example: Killing Me Softly, a fantastically awful movie starring Heather Graham and Joseph Fiennes (the one who ISN'T Voldemort). I'm not going to deliver an in-depth plot synopsis here, but I did want to address a user comment/review I read on IMDB. There are a surprising amount, but the one I wanted to comment on said (I paraphrase) women will love this film because of the total commitment Fiennes's character gives to Graham's, and that men fear this. I would like to respectfully disagree; mostly about the women loving it part.
Fiennes's Adam is a closed book. His intensity of feeling for the blandly blonde Alice is perplexing, but I blame that on Graham's acting. She was in a safe and boring relationship with a safe and boring guy and was swept away after an encounter at a street corner with the dark and brooding Adam. He dominates her sexually, which is a matter of preference and not part of my complaint; lays the smack down on a mugger who dares to attack his beloved; doesn't share any of the gory details of his life; etc etc ad nauseum.
I understand crazy sexual attraction. I'm sure there's been a point for many of us where we are swept away by a hormonal tsunami. Or, for the ladies, "dickmatized". People do fucked-up things in the pursuit of poonani, but if you watched a man, your man, beat a mugger half to death, wouldn't you be the slightest bit concerned that his volatile temper could come out on your ass? Would you forgive it if it was part of some sexual role-playing game? Most people (I hope) would not agree to marry him while he still had blood on his hands.
Any guy who watches this movie for relationship tips has deep-seated issues. Yes, some people like BDSM, but it usually doesn't extend past the bedroom (metaphorically speaking). Just because I let you tie me up at home, doesn't mean I want to walk around the streets of Philadelphia in a dog collar.
This movie is based on a book by Nicci French. I couldn't help but wonder if it was a crappy movie based on a crappy book, or if the book fell victim (as so many do) to a terrible screenplay and poor acting. According to many Amazon reviews, the book is pretty good. Many 4 and 5 star reviews. I know this doesn't mean I'd like it, but I'm willing to believe that the author is talented and got screwed by Hollywood. The movie barely has camp value. The only reason to watch this movie is to see Heather Graham's tits, and you can get that from Boogie Nights. At least, I seem to remember that you seem them. It's been a couple of years since I watched that movie so I could be wrong.
Fiennes's Adam is a closed book. His intensity of feeling for the blandly blonde Alice is perplexing, but I blame that on Graham's acting. She was in a safe and boring relationship with a safe and boring guy and was swept away after an encounter at a street corner with the dark and brooding Adam. He dominates her sexually, which is a matter of preference and not part of my complaint; lays the smack down on a mugger who dares to attack his beloved; doesn't share any of the gory details of his life; etc etc ad nauseum.
I understand crazy sexual attraction. I'm sure there's been a point for many of us where we are swept away by a hormonal tsunami. Or, for the ladies, "dickmatized". People do fucked-up things in the pursuit of poonani, but if you watched a man, your man, beat a mugger half to death, wouldn't you be the slightest bit concerned that his volatile temper could come out on your ass? Would you forgive it if it was part of some sexual role-playing game? Most people (I hope) would not agree to marry him while he still had blood on his hands.
Any guy who watches this movie for relationship tips has deep-seated issues. Yes, some people like BDSM, but it usually doesn't extend past the bedroom (metaphorically speaking). Just because I let you tie me up at home, doesn't mean I want to walk around the streets of Philadelphia in a dog collar.
This movie is based on a book by Nicci French. I couldn't help but wonder if it was a crappy movie based on a crappy book, or if the book fell victim (as so many do) to a terrible screenplay and poor acting. According to many Amazon reviews, the book is pretty good. Many 4 and 5 star reviews. I know this doesn't mean I'd like it, but I'm willing to believe that the author is talented and got screwed by Hollywood. The movie barely has camp value. The only reason to watch this movie is to see Heather Graham's tits, and you can get that from Boogie Nights. At least, I seem to remember that you seem them. It's been a couple of years since I watched that movie so I could be wrong.
11 August 2009
Brief Work Rant then GI Joe Review
This is another shout out to my cost-cutting place of employment. Thanks to their penny-pinching, I got coffee on my enrollment forms, my notepad, all over my desk, and I possibly left a trail of coffee droplets from the lunch room to my desk.
If knowledge is power, then know this: GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is not a good movie. I didn't even think it was bad enough to be cheesetastic. To spice things up, I suggest smuggling in your alcoholic beverage of choice and taking a slug everytime they refer to their unit/people as "Joes". You'll be unconscious halfway through the movie.
The CGI during the accelerator suit scenes was Spiderman rubbery. The acting should have been so flexible. Dennis Quid was about as poseable as a GI Joe action figure. In Sienna Miller's defense, I could tell she was having a blast playing the bad guy, and she looked pretty hot in her skin-tight black outfit, but (nothing to do with anything) her calves are way too skinny. I did dig on her cool specs though. Channing Tatum isn't hot enough to get away with lousy acting and seeing Marlon Waynes shirtless wasn't anything I had been waiting breathlessly for. I thought Christopher Eccleston was fine, but I'm also enamored of his jug handle ears, so I'm willing to forgive a lot. Anyone psyched by the fact that Dr. Mindbender is in the movie? Yeah, it's a blink and you'll miss it scene. There's a part with the Baroness at the end that everyone I talked to thought was laaaame.
Some of the best scenes were with young Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes. Those kids whaled on each other. There is the obligatory training montage for Duke and Ripcord with Rip being cocky and Duke being stubborn. The Scarlett/Rip quasi-romantic subplot (barely deserves the word) wasn't squicky or anything, but you weren't really pulling for those crazy kids. If you want my opinion, and you obviously do since you're reading this, wait for the DVD. If you can't wait, see a matinee.
If knowledge is power, then know this: GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is not a good movie. I didn't even think it was bad enough to be cheesetastic. To spice things up, I suggest smuggling in your alcoholic beverage of choice and taking a slug everytime they refer to their unit/people as "Joes". You'll be unconscious halfway through the movie.
The CGI during the accelerator suit scenes was Spiderman rubbery. The acting should have been so flexible. Dennis Quid was about as poseable as a GI Joe action figure. In Sienna Miller's defense, I could tell she was having a blast playing the bad guy, and she looked pretty hot in her skin-tight black outfit, but (nothing to do with anything) her calves are way too skinny. I did dig on her cool specs though. Channing Tatum isn't hot enough to get away with lousy acting and seeing Marlon Waynes shirtless wasn't anything I had been waiting breathlessly for. I thought Christopher Eccleston was fine, but I'm also enamored of his jug handle ears, so I'm willing to forgive a lot. Anyone psyched by the fact that Dr. Mindbender is in the movie? Yeah, it's a blink and you'll miss it scene. There's a part with the Baroness at the end that everyone I talked to thought was laaaame.
Some of the best scenes were with young Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes. Those kids whaled on each other. There is the obligatory training montage for Duke and Ripcord with Rip being cocky and Duke being stubborn. The Scarlett/Rip quasi-romantic subplot (barely deserves the word) wasn't squicky or anything, but you weren't really pulling for those crazy kids. If you want my opinion, and you obviously do since you're reading this, wait for the DVD. If you can't wait, see a matinee.
11 May 2009
Star Trek Review
Fellow nerds rejoice! The new Star Trek movie doesn't suck! Spoilers ahoy.
I took in an 11pm screening of the movie Saturday night. I was accompanied by my pop, my gay-BFF and his boyf. And yes, I was one of approximately 10 girls in the theater. That's cool; I like being in the minority.
Just a couple of points to address before I get into this: I was never an original Trekkie. My preferences were for TNG and the first 2 seasons of Voyager. I hate Wrath of Khan because of the ear bug incident. I'm not here to argue canon. As the movie points out, this is an AU situation here, people. Which conveniently opens things up for a whole slew of new movies that can boldly go in new directions.
I don't have any major objections to the casting. I did feel that Zoe Saldana's Uhuru was a little too sharp-edged, but there's definitely room for growth and you got flashes of her softer side in scenes with Zachary Quinto as Spock. Whose pointy-eared babies I would have. If I wanted babies.
Chis Pine does an adequate job of portraying a conflicted, cocky, underachieving Kirk. He leans a little too much towards cocky and unlikable, but gets the pudding beat out of him on many occasions, so that's good. Also, take notice of a recurring theme of dangling over a deadly drop. I was a little skeptical that Kirk's conviction and passion would trump Starfleet regs, but I'll let it go. I knew there would have to be some suspension of disbelief. Like Spock stranding Kirk on the ice planet. Dude, there's a brig for a reason. Also, how could such a large predator survive on an ice planet? What the hell does it eat? It can't possibly live off of stranded Starfleet cadets.
Eric Bana's Nero is a villain of few words but many scowls. His enormous, pointy, well-armed mining ship seems able to survive an exploding starship but lacks in the plumbing department. For some reason, there is standing water all over the place. And wires. Seems like an electrocution is just around the corner. Did like the uniforms though. I'll take a trench and combat boots over a goldenrod team jersey.
One of the good things about the movie is that you don't feel that any of the actors are trying to ape their predecessors. John Cho doesn't try to imitate George Takei's baritone and Simon Pegg's Scottish accent is much clearer.
There are definitely bits in there for the old school Trekkies. "Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a (whatever)." The Vulcan neck pinch and mind meld make appearances as well.
All in all, a good reboot. Here's hoping that this iteration of Trek can keep things fresh.
I took in an 11pm screening of the movie Saturday night. I was accompanied by my pop, my gay-BFF and his boyf. And yes, I was one of approximately 10 girls in the theater. That's cool; I like being in the minority.
Just a couple of points to address before I get into this: I was never an original Trekkie. My preferences were for TNG and the first 2 seasons of Voyager. I hate Wrath of Khan because of the ear bug incident. I'm not here to argue canon. As the movie points out, this is an AU situation here, people. Which conveniently opens things up for a whole slew of new movies that can boldly go in new directions.
I don't have any major objections to the casting. I did feel that Zoe Saldana's Uhuru was a little too sharp-edged, but there's definitely room for growth and you got flashes of her softer side in scenes with Zachary Quinto as Spock. Whose pointy-eared babies I would have. If I wanted babies.
Chis Pine does an adequate job of portraying a conflicted, cocky, underachieving Kirk. He leans a little too much towards cocky and unlikable, but gets the pudding beat out of him on many occasions, so that's good. Also, take notice of a recurring theme of dangling over a deadly drop. I was a little skeptical that Kirk's conviction and passion would trump Starfleet regs, but I'll let it go. I knew there would have to be some suspension of disbelief. Like Spock stranding Kirk on the ice planet. Dude, there's a brig for a reason. Also, how could such a large predator survive on an ice planet? What the hell does it eat? It can't possibly live off of stranded Starfleet cadets.
Eric Bana's Nero is a villain of few words but many scowls. His enormous, pointy, well-armed mining ship seems able to survive an exploding starship but lacks in the plumbing department. For some reason, there is standing water all over the place. And wires. Seems like an electrocution is just around the corner. Did like the uniforms though. I'll take a trench and combat boots over a goldenrod team jersey.
One of the good things about the movie is that you don't feel that any of the actors are trying to ape their predecessors. John Cho doesn't try to imitate George Takei's baritone and Simon Pegg's Scottish accent is much clearer.
There are definitely bits in there for the old school Trekkies. "Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a (whatever)." The Vulcan neck pinch and mind meld make appearances as well.
All in all, a good reboot. Here's hoping that this iteration of Trek can keep things fresh.
14 March 2009
I Watched the Watchmen
After a solid eight hours of sleep and a fresh cup of coffee at my side, I feel ready to discuss the Watchmen movie. It was, in a word, boring.
It pains me to admit this. I have a great appreciation for the graphic novel and yes, Zack Snyder was slavishly devoted to the look of the novel, but I'm going to have to agree with those that said Watchmen is/was unfilmable.
The cast was solid. Jackie Earle Haley was excellent as Rorschach, and I felt that Patrick Wilson played schlubby Dan Dreiberg well. Matthew Goode (Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias) projected a creepy calm zealotry, if that's at all possible. However, his Brit accent started slipping in rather badly toward the end of the movie. I don't know enough about Malin Akerman to decide if her acting was above or below standard, but I didn't hate her as Laurie.
Most of the fight scenes; Dan and Laurie in the alley and at the prison especially, are interspersed with other scenes. After all, there was no way to make the movie completely linear without it being even longer than the 2hr40min it was. If you've seen 300, you know that Snyder has a fondness for sped up, slowed down fights. After a while, it got old seeing some thug, or masked hero, flipping slowly through the air and landing heavily on his back. Also in keeping with the novel, there is a lot of violence but very little actual gore. Dr. Manhattan's splatter power isn't so much gross as it is sudden.
Much of the film was talky. This format works fine in comics where the actual action is limited and more needs to be explained verbally, but in a movie, a comic book/action movie? Snore.
Yes, there is some sex. I was in a very giggly theater (teehee, boobies!) so when Dan and Laurie are going to it, I was surrounded by the nevous laughter of kids whose curfew apparently isn't midnight. Yes, we see Malin Akerman's boobies and Wilson's tushie, but unless you're easily offended by nudity, none of it was gratuitous.
Since I didn't have high hopes for this film, I'm not disappointed at how it turned out. I respect the decision to keep the story set in 1985 and it is a good thing that Snyder didn't attempt to incorporate "The Black Freighter" or the "Under the Hood" story lines. That would have made the film a huge mess. I will be renting the DVD release they did for "The Black Freighter".
If you have a spare 3hrs, a strong bladder, and a fondness for stylized violence go see Watchmen. Otherwise, go pick up the graphic novel. I believe the story is much easier to deal with if you can flip back and see things you missed, or stop for a moment to contemplate the layers and how everything comes together. Plus, it costs you nothing to reread the book. With today's movie prices, who wants to pay for a second veiwing in the theater?
It pains me to admit this. I have a great appreciation for the graphic novel and yes, Zack Snyder was slavishly devoted to the look of the novel, but I'm going to have to agree with those that said Watchmen is/was unfilmable.
The cast was solid. Jackie Earle Haley was excellent as Rorschach, and I felt that Patrick Wilson played schlubby Dan Dreiberg well. Matthew Goode (Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias) projected a creepy calm zealotry, if that's at all possible. However, his Brit accent started slipping in rather badly toward the end of the movie. I don't know enough about Malin Akerman to decide if her acting was above or below standard, but I didn't hate her as Laurie.
Most of the fight scenes; Dan and Laurie in the alley and at the prison especially, are interspersed with other scenes. After all, there was no way to make the movie completely linear without it being even longer than the 2hr40min it was. If you've seen 300, you know that Snyder has a fondness for sped up, slowed down fights. After a while, it got old seeing some thug, or masked hero, flipping slowly through the air and landing heavily on his back. Also in keeping with the novel, there is a lot of violence but very little actual gore. Dr. Manhattan's splatter power isn't so much gross as it is sudden.
Much of the film was talky. This format works fine in comics where the actual action is limited and more needs to be explained verbally, but in a movie, a comic book/action movie? Snore.
Yes, there is some sex. I was in a very giggly theater (teehee, boobies!) so when Dan and Laurie are going to it, I was surrounded by the nevous laughter of kids whose curfew apparently isn't midnight. Yes, we see Malin Akerman's boobies and Wilson's tushie, but unless you're easily offended by nudity, none of it was gratuitous.
Since I didn't have high hopes for this film, I'm not disappointed at how it turned out. I respect the decision to keep the story set in 1985 and it is a good thing that Snyder didn't attempt to incorporate "The Black Freighter" or the "Under the Hood" story lines. That would have made the film a huge mess. I will be renting the DVD release they did for "The Black Freighter".
If you have a spare 3hrs, a strong bladder, and a fondness for stylized violence go see Watchmen. Otherwise, go pick up the graphic novel. I believe the story is much easier to deal with if you can flip back and see things you missed, or stop for a moment to contemplate the layers and how everything comes together. Plus, it costs you nothing to reread the book. With today's movie prices, who wants to pay for a second veiwing in the theater?
30 October 2008
My First Ever Book Review
A good friend lent me a book about a week ago. "OMG!" she gushed. "I laughed so hard right from the beginning. It's kind of like Buffy. It was in the romance section, but it's not really romance." Sweet, I thought, I could use a new book and I have enjoyed the odd "Paranormal Romance". I have read snappy and entertaining otherworldly stories before. I mostly treat them as a quicky Saturday read and then pass them off to the used bookstore for credit. I figured this book would be a nice bit of fluff, good for reading right before bed. The book is The Accidental Demon Slayer by Angie Fox. This book, at least what I have read so far, is, well, it's not good.
The protagianist of the book is a girl whose name I forget. Seriously, unless someone refers to her by name (OK, it's Lizzie), I have no idea what her name is. She is a preschool teacher who finds out on her 30th birthday that she the inheritor of mad demon-slayin' skillz. Her maternal grandmother, who she has never laid eyes on before (oh yeah, Lizzie is adopted), barges into Lizzie's cream-colored condo and proceeds to fling about jelly jars filled with rancid raccoon liver and manky bog water. Did I not mention that Gramma Gertie is a witch? Who drives a pink Harley and is a member of a motorcycle club called the Red Skulls?
Anyway, Gramma locks Lizzie in the bathroom as the moment of her (Lizzie's) birth approaches. For, you see, Lizzie is about to come into her demon-slayingness. Unfortunately for Lizzie, a little troll-looking demon appears on the toilet and shoots purple darts at her. Gramma'a all "Let's jump on my pink hog and skeedaddle!" Lizze is "No, I'm rational! My adoptive parents were caring-yet-distant and it made me sooooo normal. I wear khakis and oxfords! I don't curse so I say things like 'Mother fudrucker!'" Eventually Gramma manages to bully Lizzie and her talking dog, Pirate (who could always talk, it was just that Lizze was finally listening!), on to the pink Harley and they lay tracks.
The romance part of the book happens in the form of mysterious Dimitri. Dimitri spends part of his time as a griffin. Lizzie has no trouble identifying him as such. I guess the certification requirements for pre-school teachers has a section on mythology? Lizzie, who has been unfortunate in her previous romantic encounters, is instantly attracted to Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Rippling. Gramma insists he is not to be trusted.
Blahblahblah, they end up at the Red Skulls' bar/clubhouse and Lizzie fucks up a protection spell the wrinkly witches brew up for her. Dimitri shanghais Lizzie and berates her for wanting to find her doggie. There's an encounter in the woods where Lizzie feels Dimitri's kiss on her forehead straight down to her toes. At some point she is chained to a tree, struggles until she "feels like she ran a marathon" yet only a trickle of sweat runs down her back. Dimitri's hands are "callous." According to the dictionary search I did, that's an acceptable use of the word, but it did not jive with me.
Lizzie is an odd combination of disbelieving and instantly accepting. She's totally down with her biker-mama witch-bitch Gramma, but hesitates to drink the potion that would provide protection. She's wildly attracted to Dimitri, even as he magically chains her to a tree. I don't have the book in front of me, but I believe that heat pools low in her body.
I stopped reading at chapter 10 (short chapters). Lizzie is bland and annoying. Gramma is the quirky and fiesty elder relative who may have murdered someone. Dimitri is the fairly typical mysterious and slightly shady reluctant mentor/fuck-buddy. In fact, I don't even know if they got to the fuckin'. There was one kiss-with-tongue and some smoldering looks, but I wasn't really feeling the heat. Even the talking dog, Pirate, is a letdown. Ms. Fox has him speaking like a 6 year-old hopped up on pixie stix. I get that he's a Jack Russell and they are energetic and jumpy little creatures, but if you're going to have a talking dog try to give him a little depth. Yes, I just said to flesh out a talking dog character.
The protagianist of the book is a girl whose name I forget. Seriously, unless someone refers to her by name (OK, it's Lizzie), I have no idea what her name is. She is a preschool teacher who finds out on her 30th birthday that she the inheritor of mad demon-slayin' skillz. Her maternal grandmother, who she has never laid eyes on before (oh yeah, Lizzie is adopted), barges into Lizzie's cream-colored condo and proceeds to fling about jelly jars filled with rancid raccoon liver and manky bog water. Did I not mention that Gramma Gertie is a witch? Who drives a pink Harley and is a member of a motorcycle club called the Red Skulls?
Anyway, Gramma locks Lizzie in the bathroom as the moment of her (Lizzie's) birth approaches. For, you see, Lizzie is about to come into her demon-slayingness. Unfortunately for Lizzie, a little troll-looking demon appears on the toilet and shoots purple darts at her. Gramma'a all "Let's jump on my pink hog and skeedaddle!" Lizze is "No, I'm rational! My adoptive parents were caring-yet-distant and it made me sooooo normal. I wear khakis and oxfords! I don't curse so I say things like 'Mother fudrucker!'" Eventually Gramma manages to bully Lizzie and her talking dog, Pirate (who could always talk, it was just that Lizze was finally listening!), on to the pink Harley and they lay tracks.
The romance part of the book happens in the form of mysterious Dimitri. Dimitri spends part of his time as a griffin. Lizzie has no trouble identifying him as such. I guess the certification requirements for pre-school teachers has a section on mythology? Lizzie, who has been unfortunate in her previous romantic encounters, is instantly attracted to Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Rippling. Gramma insists he is not to be trusted.
Blahblahblah, they end up at the Red Skulls' bar/clubhouse and Lizzie fucks up a protection spell the wrinkly witches brew up for her. Dimitri shanghais Lizzie and berates her for wanting to find her doggie. There's an encounter in the woods where Lizzie feels Dimitri's kiss on her forehead straight down to her toes. At some point she is chained to a tree, struggles until she "feels like she ran a marathon" yet only a trickle of sweat runs down her back. Dimitri's hands are "callous." According to the dictionary search I did, that's an acceptable use of the word, but it did not jive with me.
Lizzie is an odd combination of disbelieving and instantly accepting. She's totally down with her biker-mama witch-bitch Gramma, but hesitates to drink the potion that would provide protection. She's wildly attracted to Dimitri, even as he magically chains her to a tree. I don't have the book in front of me, but I believe that heat pools low in her body.
I stopped reading at chapter 10 (short chapters). Lizzie is bland and annoying. Gramma is the quirky and fiesty elder relative who may have murdered someone. Dimitri is the fairly typical mysterious and slightly shady reluctant mentor/fuck-buddy. In fact, I don't even know if they got to the fuckin'. There was one kiss-with-tongue and some smoldering looks, but I wasn't really feeling the heat. Even the talking dog, Pirate, is a letdown. Ms. Fox has him speaking like a 6 year-old hopped up on pixie stix. I get that he's a Jack Russell and they are energetic and jumpy little creatures, but if you're going to have a talking dog try to give him a little depth. Yes, I just said to flesh out a talking dog character.
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