That's right, folks. It is time for another crap movie review. This time we will be learning about Shark Attack in the Mediterranean, aka Shark Alarm.
This fine example of German cinema takes place in Majorca. You can tell it was a crap movie in German, and the truly pitiful English dub track only makes things that much worse(better).
There is a legend, a revenge arc, a rebellious daughter, and a love story. Oh, and car chases. At one point in the second half of the film, it tries very hard to be a spy caper. Something starring Meg Ryan from the 90s maybe.
Sven is a tour guide type dude, I think. He has a Jeep and a helicopter. We are introduced to him as he is going to fetch our fetching microbiologist from the airport. Can we say "instant chemistry"? She works with sharks and he used to be a professional swimmer, "one of the rough ones". Whatever that means. Sven has a surprising amount of knowledge about sharks because his wife was eaten by one. What? Doesn't everyone immediately become an expert on the terrible monster that killed their spouse?
Sven ferries the sexy doctor to her underwater lair, I mean, lab, but not without a pit stop to rescue the rebellious daughter and some tourists from something. A something that frightened away regular sharks. What ever could it be? According to the awful dub work, it is a Mega-lodon. There are some emphasis issues.
Since everyone knows sharks hold the key to all sorts of medical mysteries, the scientists are using sharks to find a cure for cancer. I'm all for that. Cancer sucks.
After the fine doctor is deposited at the lair, Sven encounters a doped up fisherman who saw the giant shark (Mega-lodon) eat a regular shark. Oops, almost forgot about the reporter in pursuit of the big story and her shady-looking cameraman. People on boats everywhere. Anyway, Sven freaks out because he knows this is the same Mega-lodon that done eated his wife lo these years ago. So Sven, in some of the finest Jeep abuse ever, races to the beach where his rebellious daughter, Maya, is competing in a Jet-Ski race against a snooty blonde chick with prominent nipples. Dad does a spectacular job of clearing the people out the the water by yelling, in a not very concerned tone, "Shark alarm! Shark alarm!" He says this about 30 times and barely changes his inflection. Of course, there is no shark and his daughter gets all pissy because he made her lose the race.
Sven confronts his cop-friend-with-a-dying-wife about not telling everyone about the Mega-lodon. Cop friend apparently is also president of the Camber of Commerce because he can only think of the tourists cancelling their trips. Mustn't let all that foreign money dry up. That is far, far more important that people being eaten.
Sven vows to kill the monster that done eated his woman and breaks out his old school shark-hunting kit. Then there is an arrest, a break out, a madcap chase in a Fortwo through the streets of Majorca, and an encounter with a fat man surrounded by women who gives up his sweet ride in the name of shark killing. Sven and pretty doctor are on the same side by now, and are rushing to stop the head scientist from capturing the megalodon.
I gotta say, I'm kind of with the head scientist lady here. She is looking for a cure for cancer, for fuck's sake. I don't think that Sven's desire to sushify the megalodon to slake his thirst for revenge should take precedence.
Sven and attractive doctor have the crew of the boat at gunpoint and are preparing to fire explosive-tipped spears at the megalodon. Uh-oh, turns out that the cop-with-a-dying-wife is on the side of the scientists because his wife is dying of cancer. Will the cop kill Sven, his BFF, in order to save his wife? (Let us ignore the fact that cop's wife looked seriously end-stage, so even if they get their shark samples, wifey's gonna kick it looong before a cure is viable.) Begin fisticuffs. Crash, bang, boom, and evil scientist is munched by giant shark. Irony? Cue heartfelt speech from Sven to cop friend. Cop friend realizes the error of his ways and massages Sven's face in apology. Many spears are fired at the megalodon but not before he rams the shit out of the boat and some gas lines are severed. Cop friend valiantly volunteers to stay on the doomed vessel and shoot more spears should the megalodon reappear. Which it does...at the big Jet-Ski race!
Once again Sven is rushing to save his rebellious daughter. See, bitchy blonde cut rebellious daughter's fuel line! Of course, our megalodon friend is fast approaching. Luckily for our hero and his progeny, sultry doctor is a capable helicopter pilot. This leaves Sven free to do some dangling and jumping and quick fuel line fixes. Daddy and daughter are safely back in the 'copter and megalodon is making its last attempt to eat Sven's entire family. Sven, that former body-building motherfucker, fires a spear right down megalodon's gaping maw. Shark guts everywhere. But look out! rebellious daughter has fallen into the water. Sven does his rescuing thing, again, and daughter wakes and immediately starts panicking. Dad shoulda knocked her out again so she wouldn't damn well drown both of them.
Final scene: Sven and lovely doctor are scuba-ing through the wreck of a boat that is supposed to be haunted (the legend mentioned above) and make with the underwater nookie. Ende.
27 September 2010
06 August 2010
Witness The Crazy
I have made mention of my most favoritest boss ever, Stoneface, many times on this blog. Usually I am commenting on his fascination with sandwiches; his inability to have a conversation with me that doesn't involve food, or how I take my coffee; his delicate feelings; his alcoholism. This is something a little different. I now have photographic evidence of the bizarre world that Stoneface lives in. Let me set the scene:
The is a server room near my desk at work, and outside this server room is a blade rack with no blades in it. See random server rack image below.
Just a basic metal framework. Well, Stoneface, in what I can only assume was a fit of drunken inspiration, decided it looked much like a guillotine - or the frame of a guillotine. That lead to this:
That's right; my crazy, drunk (pretty sure he's a stoner too but that actually makes him slightly more appealing) boss taped cardboard and poster paper to the server rack and used my red Sharpie to add the super realistic-looking blood. Then he skipped around like a giddy little boy and pointed out his creation to everyone. Yes people, this is my workplace.
The is a server room near my desk at work, and outside this server room is a blade rack with no blades in it. See random server rack image below.
Just a basic metal framework. Well, Stoneface, in what I can only assume was a fit of drunken inspiration, decided it looked much like a guillotine - or the frame of a guillotine. That lead to this:
That's right; my crazy, drunk (pretty sure he's a stoner too but that actually makes him slightly more appealing) boss taped cardboard and poster paper to the server rack and used my red Sharpie to add the super realistic-looking blood. Then he skipped around like a giddy little boy and pointed out his creation to everyone. Yes people, this is my workplace.
30 July 2010
Restaurant Review - Distrito
University City Dining Days was July 15-29. In keeping with my history of procrastination, BB and I went on the last night to Distrito, one of Jose Garces' places.
Forgive me in advance for not adding accent marks to the Spanish. I'm just not that kind of motivated.
I should have had an inkling of what to expect after viewing the website's primary color scheme, but I wasn't prepared for the pink. Very, very pink. Pink walls, pink t-shirts, pink napkins, pink plaid chair coverings. You get the idea. The whole space is pretty kitschy, what with the wall of luchador masks, glittery tabletops, and the Beetle that is a booth, but it's (surprisingly) not overwhelming. It is, however, a loud space. I don't know if the place is always packed on a Thursday, but there weren't many free tables upstairs.
Dining Days, for those of you who may not know, is when restaurants in a specific area offer fixed price menus. Much like Restaurant Week in any given city. Distrito was offering three courses for $30. I will mention that Distrito's menu descriptions veered dangerously close to Elements-style, but was saved by adding slightly more information. Example: sangria sorbet, as opposed to simply sangria, or grape.
First course was ceviche; yellowtail and octopus. While I enjoyed the octopus more than I thought I would, the yellowtail was fantastic. Very citrusy with a slight, lingering burn. There was also refrieds (I tried them but really not my thing), and guacamole. The guac was tasty enough, but oddly salty and a little light on the lime. Bear in mind that I'm a little sensitive to saltiness, so what I call salty is probably perfectly acceptable to many other people (I'm looking at you, JR).
Second course was queso fundido with shredded duck and peppers, head-on shrimps with a raisiny sauce, rabbit with a pineapple mole, and diver scallops. The fundido was gooey and delicious, served with silver dollar tortillas. I'll admit that the shrimp eyeballs threw me off a bit, but I was a brave little soldier and just chopped them off. The spice rub on the shrimp was, again, a bit salty, but otherwise subtly spicy. There was no sucking of the head though. The salsa served with the scallops was fruity and yummy and the rabbit...well, the rabbit tasted like chicken. The mole was tasty.
Dessert was chocolate flan and tres leches cake. The flan was more of a bitter chocolate pudding, but it did have the spicing of Mexican hot chocolate. The tres leches was very good, with a brown sugar crunchy topping and tropical fruit accompaniment. Oh, and there were drinks: white sangria (white wine, orange liqueur, apricot brandy) for me, and Dock Street Rye IPA for BB. The sangria was good, but the beer was on the bitter side (OK, super bitter) and didn't have much character. Then again, I don't like IPAs, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me.
The bathroom situation is a little unique at Distrito. There are 4 individual stalls; 2 men and 2 women. Or so I believe. I didn't really inspect all the doors, so there could have been a handicapped stall I didn't notice. Anyway, there's the stalls, and then a central handwashing station that is in full view of the dining room. I'm wondering if it's Garces' way of shaming people into washing their hands. Even weirder, I was telling my coworker, Mo, about the bathroom situation, and she said the only other place she saw that type of set-up was at another Mex place. Is it a Latino thing? Can I apply a sterotype here?
There were many other things on the menu that looked worth trying, so I would like to go back at some point. There are some chef's tasting options which are probably worth checking out. How could I resist ordering a Frida Kahlo tasting?
Forgive me in advance for not adding accent marks to the Spanish. I'm just not that kind of motivated.
I should have had an inkling of what to expect after viewing the website's primary color scheme, but I wasn't prepared for the pink. Very, very pink. Pink walls, pink t-shirts, pink napkins, pink plaid chair coverings. You get the idea. The whole space is pretty kitschy, what with the wall of luchador masks, glittery tabletops, and the Beetle that is a booth, but it's (surprisingly) not overwhelming. It is, however, a loud space. I don't know if the place is always packed on a Thursday, but there weren't many free tables upstairs.
Dining Days, for those of you who may not know, is when restaurants in a specific area offer fixed price menus. Much like Restaurant Week in any given city. Distrito was offering three courses for $30. I will mention that Distrito's menu descriptions veered dangerously close to Elements-style, but was saved by adding slightly more information. Example: sangria sorbet, as opposed to simply sangria, or grape.
First course was ceviche; yellowtail and octopus. While I enjoyed the octopus more than I thought I would, the yellowtail was fantastic. Very citrusy with a slight, lingering burn. There was also refrieds (I tried them but really not my thing), and guacamole. The guac was tasty enough, but oddly salty and a little light on the lime. Bear in mind that I'm a little sensitive to saltiness, so what I call salty is probably perfectly acceptable to many other people (I'm looking at you, JR).
Second course was queso fundido with shredded duck and peppers, head-on shrimps with a raisiny sauce, rabbit with a pineapple mole, and diver scallops. The fundido was gooey and delicious, served with silver dollar tortillas. I'll admit that the shrimp eyeballs threw me off a bit, but I was a brave little soldier and just chopped them off. The spice rub on the shrimp was, again, a bit salty, but otherwise subtly spicy. There was no sucking of the head though. The salsa served with the scallops was fruity and yummy and the rabbit...well, the rabbit tasted like chicken. The mole was tasty.
Dessert was chocolate flan and tres leches cake. The flan was more of a bitter chocolate pudding, but it did have the spicing of Mexican hot chocolate. The tres leches was very good, with a brown sugar crunchy topping and tropical fruit accompaniment. Oh, and there were drinks: white sangria (white wine, orange liqueur, apricot brandy) for me, and Dock Street Rye IPA for BB. The sangria was good, but the beer was on the bitter side (OK, super bitter) and didn't have much character. Then again, I don't like IPAs, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me.
The bathroom situation is a little unique at Distrito. There are 4 individual stalls; 2 men and 2 women. Or so I believe. I didn't really inspect all the doors, so there could have been a handicapped stall I didn't notice. Anyway, there's the stalls, and then a central handwashing station that is in full view of the dining room. I'm wondering if it's Garces' way of shaming people into washing their hands. Even weirder, I was telling my coworker, Mo, about the bathroom situation, and she said the only other place she saw that type of set-up was at another Mex place. Is it a Latino thing? Can I apply a sterotype here?
There were many other things on the menu that looked worth trying, so I would like to go back at some point. There are some chef's tasting options which are probably worth checking out. How could I resist ordering a Frida Kahlo tasting?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)