Do you enjoy wildly implausible situations? Does it make you happy to hear Liam Neeson strive mightily to suppress his Irish accent? Do you love it when a plan comes together? Then The A-Team is the movie for you! As always, spoilers may lie within.
The extended opening credits introduces you to the members of The A-Team: Hannibal (Neeson), B.A. (Jackson), Face (Cooper), and Murdock (Copely). Hannibal and Face are on a mission to deal with some Mexican general. Face, of course, got caught boning the general's hot wife. Hannibal is about to be fed to the dogs but, of course, he has a plan to escape.
Hannibal encounters B.A. shortly after B.A. has pulped a bunch of Mexican car thieves. Not because it was the right thing to do, but because he had been dishonorably discharged (more on that later) from the Army and needed something to pay the bills, so he turned to jacking cars for a chop shop. B.A. retrieves his beloved van and takes off across the Mexican desert. Hannibal carjacks B.A., they bond over Ranger tattoos and race off to save Face from a smelly death-by-tire-fire.
The still-incomplete Team makes their way to a hospital, where Hannibal has a pilot (go on, guess who) lined up to take them back into the US. Predictably enough, the Mexican baddies track the Team to the hospital, where Murdock, a patient, has just finished stitching up the bullet wound that B.A. got when Hannibal jacked him. B.A. gets all Hulk-smashy when he see the lightning bolt stitched into his massive biceps. Murdock says craaaazy things in a wide variety of accents. The Team loads up into an old hospital chopper and has a batty, upside down, engine-stalling chase back to the US border. It is this helicopter ride that ruins flying entirely for B.A. And that's the Team.
Cut to 8 years and 80 successful missions later. The Team is in Iraq. Somehow, even though I swear he said he was dishonorably discharged, B.A. is back in uniform. Feel free to correct me if I misheard.
Enter Lynch (Patrick Wilson) and Sosa (Biel). Lynch is a shady CIA operative who tempts Hannibal into taking a job retrieving missing hundred-dollar minting plates. Similarly, Sosa dangles the job in from of Face, who she (shockingly) has history with. A plan comes together.
I did quite like how they would lay out the plan and cut to scenes of the plan going down. Hannibal has a seemingly endless supply of little model cars, trucks, copters, missiles - you name it.
Oh, I should probably mention that there is a private security firm in the picture, Black Forest. How's that for subtext? The chief sleaze is a dude named Pike (Bloom).
All is happy, laughing congratulations until someone blows up Major Dad and steals the plates from the Team. You see Pike & Co. walking away from the wreckage so there's no question there that the Team was framed. Which, like, duh. That's the idea behind the A-Team, no?
Court marshal happens. Team members are shipped off to different Army facilities. six months pass and Lynch visits Hannibal in jail and offers to help him break out if Hannibal and his Team can retrieve the plates. Of course Hannibal and his Team can retrieve the plates. They are the fucking A-Team! There is also a promise of name-clearing and reinstatement.
During the ensuing escape montage, you learn that B.A. has found inner peace and won't be killing anymore. Murdock is still "Howlin' Mad", and Face managed to bang his female guard. Who says the Army lacks discipline?
While I wasn't thrilled that they shoe-horned in a vaguely romantic subplot, I do have to admit that it was a very small part of the overall "plot". Biel plays her part as an ambitious DOD lieutenant well enough, I suppose. I don't much like her in general, so I have nothing more to say on the matter.
For those of you looking forward to the parachuting tank scene, it is even more far out than you think.
OK, this is taking too long, so quick and dirty time.
Plates are located, in Pike's possession. Sosa is hot on the Team's trail and they use her and the two dudes who follow her around to set up the ultimate showdown at the Port of Los Angeles. Which is also where The Losers climax plays out. PoLA is the new New York? There are massive cargo containers everywhere, splosions, a Kevlar helmet, some fisticuffs, and then the final reveal. Yes, the A-Team saved the day,and yes, they are once again carted off to prison. Luckily for our Team o' heroes; Sosa, in a wildly inappropriate move, passes a handcuff key to Face via her sexy tongue action. But of course - there's gotta be room for a sequel.
Bottom line? The movie is very enjoyable and loud and testosterone-y. Copely steals the movie as Murdock, playing him with surprisingly convincing moments of lucidity, tempered by bat-shit insanity. As I said earlier, Neeson has trouble with the American accent, but I like him enough that it didn't ruin things. Jackson did a decent job as a first-time actor. He managed to play B.A. with some depth, but didn't try to be a whole lot more than a big tough dude who occasionally struggles with being a big tough dude. Cooper was fine as Face and they had him shirtless quite frequently. Wilson slimed entertainingly across the screen and had some nice repartee with Pike, and with the Team. As long as you go into the theater knowing that all you're getting is slimy bad guys, splosions, and testosterone, you'll have a fine time.
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