Is My Subconscious Speaking to Me? Probably Not.

I had this weird dream Friday night. OK, I know that is just about the most boring sentence I could start a paragraph with, but bear with me.

I don't know if it is because the topic of my ex-husband came up a couple of times last week, or if it was just time for another round of "Why the fuck am I dreaming about him?" but I dreamed about my ex on Friday. It started off, as dreams usually do, with me walking from my parents' house to my grandpa's house, toting my laundry. As I walked to Grandpa's, I passed by the fire station (this is true to life). And who should be standing outside the station but my ex-husband! He was a volunteer fire fighter, so this is still fairly true to life.

I remember ducking my head and hoping that he wouldn't see me. In case you were wondering, we have no relationship to speak of in real life. Of course he sees me and falls in beside me. I don't remember how the conversation started, but he started saying all kinds of things that are guaranteed to piss me off. Comments on how gay relationships are wrong (yes, he was a bit of a homophobe), and assorted other comments that I can no longer recall.

What I'm wondering is this: Was that dream my subconscious mind's way of testing me? Allow me to clarify. I've been divorced for going on 6 years now. My ex and I were high school sweethearts (do people even say that any more?) and married when I was 21. We separated approximately 2 years later. I don't know about everyone else, but there is - and probably always will be - a place in my heart/head for him. This isn't to say that I couldn't fall in love with someone else, because I could. All I'm saying is that I don't know what I'd do if he showed up at my door and wanted a relationship.

Back to this testing idea. Since I have admitted out loud that I don't know what would happen if he wanted me back, I'm wondering if my subconscious was throwing every annoying, irritating, infuriating, frustrating, heart-breaking, etc., thing at me as a way to test the veracity of my "I don't know" statement. Of course, this all hinges on whether or not I believe that dreams say/do anything at all. Jury's still out on that one. Maybe I do know. Maybe I would be able to say "no, sorry" with no difficulty whatsoever. Maybe I'm still holding on to the idea of that love; when anyone can tell me that that idea has long since faded away. I have mostly accepted the fact that he will have about .01% of me for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean he will ever again have more.

And let's be perfectly honest here; I so wouldn't want to tell my friends and family that I was getting back with my ex. Shudder to think. No, over is over, and done is done. I can mourn the relationship without hoping for a resurrection.