A good friend lent me a book about a week ago. "OMG!" she gushed. "I laughed so hard right from the beginning. It's kind of like Buffy. It was in the romance section, but it's not really romance." Sweet, I thought, I could use a new book and I have enjoyed the odd "Paranormal Romance". I have read snappy and entertaining otherworldly stories before. I mostly treat them as a quicky Saturday read and then pass them off to the used bookstore for credit. I figured this book would be a nice bit of fluff, good for reading right before bed. The book is The Accidental Demon Slayer by Angie Fox. This book, at least what I have read so far, is, well, it's not good.
The protagianist of the book is a girl whose name I forget. Seriously, unless someone refers to her by name (OK, it's Lizzie), I have no idea what her name is. She is a preschool teacher who finds out on her 30th birthday that she the inheritor of mad demon-slayin' skillz. Her maternal grandmother, who she has never laid eyes on before (oh yeah, Lizzie is adopted), barges into Lizzie's cream-colored condo and proceeds to fling about jelly jars filled with rancid raccoon liver and manky bog water. Did I not mention that Gramma Gertie is a witch? Who drives a pink Harley and is a member of a motorcycle club called the Red Skulls?
Anyway, Gramma locks Lizzie in the bathroom as the moment of her (Lizzie's) birth approaches. For, you see, Lizzie is about to come into her demon-slayingness. Unfortunately for Lizzie, a little troll-looking demon appears on the toilet and shoots purple darts at her. Gramma'a all "Let's jump on my pink hog and skeedaddle!" Lizze is "No, I'm rational! My adoptive parents were caring-yet-distant and it made me sooooo normal. I wear khakis and oxfords! I don't curse so I say things like 'Mother fudrucker!'" Eventually Gramma manages to bully Lizzie and her talking dog, Pirate (who could always talk, it was just that Lizze was finally listening!), on to the pink Harley and they lay tracks.
The romance part of the book happens in the form of mysterious Dimitri. Dimitri spends part of his time as a griffin. Lizzie has no trouble identifying him as such. I guess the certification requirements for pre-school teachers has a section on mythology? Lizzie, who has been unfortunate in her previous romantic encounters, is instantly attracted to Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Rippling. Gramma insists he is not to be trusted.
Blahblahblah, they end up at the Red Skulls' bar/clubhouse and Lizzie fucks up a protection spell the wrinkly witches brew up for her. Dimitri shanghais Lizzie and berates her for wanting to find her doggie. There's an encounter in the woods where Lizzie feels Dimitri's kiss on her forehead straight down to her toes. At some point she is chained to a tree, struggles until she "feels like she ran a marathon" yet only a trickle of sweat runs down her back. Dimitri's hands are "callous." According to the dictionary search I did, that's an acceptable use of the word, but it did not jive with me.
Lizzie is an odd combination of disbelieving and instantly accepting. She's totally down with her biker-mama witch-bitch Gramma, but hesitates to drink the potion that would provide protection. She's wildly attracted to Dimitri, even as he magically chains her to a tree. I don't have the book in front of me, but I believe that heat pools low in her body.
I stopped reading at chapter 10 (short chapters). Lizzie is bland and annoying. Gramma is the quirky and fiesty elder relative who may have murdered someone. Dimitri is the fairly typical mysterious and slightly shady reluctant mentor/fuck-buddy. In fact, I don't even know if they got to the fuckin'. There was one kiss-with-tongue and some smoldering looks, but I wasn't really feeling the heat. Even the talking dog, Pirate, is a letdown. Ms. Fox has him speaking like a 6 year-old hopped up on pixie stix. I get that he's a Jack Russell and they are energetic and jumpy little creatures, but if you're going to have a talking dog try to give him a little depth. Yes, I just said to flesh out a talking dog character.
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