I love the autumn months. As I believe I have mentioned before, I am happiest when wearing jeans or sweatpants and hoodies. I like having my window open when I sleep and piling on the blankets. I love the way the air smells and how the leaves change and how the sky is once again clear blue.
I hate that as soon as October hits my allergies go into overdrive. And despite the fact that I love autumn, I get depressed. I also hate that. Maybe it's SAD. Maybe it is because I feel my single status more sharply in the colder months. I'm not quite sure why. It's not because the marjority of my relationships were during the fall/winter season - because they weren't. Maybe it's like the magical beach thing, only instead of crashing waves and tousled hair, it's fuzzy hats and swirling leaves. Which brings me to cuddle parties. Bear with me.
What are cuddle parties? If you're too lazy to click the link, keep reading - I'll give you a mini-synposis. If you already know about the phenomenon, feel free to skip past. Cuddle parties are events where people get dressed in their jammies and lay in piles with other like-minded people. It's a way to touch and be touched in a non-sexual way. Studies have shown that touch is very important in the development of newborns. I know that touching stimulates the production of oxytocin and serotonin, both feel-good chemicals. I know that I'm getting to the point where I am almost starved for touch.
Anyway, some of the girls I work with went gaga over the idea of a cuddle party and started a fake sign-up sheet for a cuddle party of their own. Someone decided it would be great fun to sign my name on the first line. When I found out, I crossed it out. For some reason, I was completely unable to joke about the idea of paying someone to cuddle with me. Anytime someone commented on the fact that I crossed out my name, I'd reply, rather testily, "I didn't sign up in the first place." Most of the girls involved in the little joke are coupled, or have children. I don't think they understand how hard it can be to be alone. Bear in mind that I'm not crying "Woe is me" because I don't have a man or a kid. I don't feel incomplete being single and childless, but there are things that I miss.
It's funny. I'm almost desperate for casual touching, but I flinch at the idea of relative strangers touching me. I think that is because I'm afraid of what my reaction would be. I don't want to throw myself at someone. That would be awkward.
This is really hard for me to write about so if things get incoherent, I apologize.
Crap. I know you, dear follower, can't tell, but I have written and deleted several attempts to explain exactly how I feel about this whole thing. I guess it comes down to this: I feel like paying to cuddle is an admission that no one (not talking about family and friends, here) will ever touch me voluntarily ever again. It's like I'm giving up on the idea of having a cuddle partner of my own. It's also hard to explain because touch and sex are so intertwined. Yes, I desire sex, but I also want touching without sex.
I feel like I'm not getting my point across. I'm willing to bet you're thinking: Jeez, why doesn't she just hug her mom more? Or her friends? Would you want to tell your mom or your friends that you need to be touched more? Shit, just thinking about having a conversation like that is ooky. Also, some of my friends are touch adverse. And honestly, my friends don't need it from me, so I don't feel right asking them for it. My poor nephew has (unknowingly) shouldered the burden of my touch-craving. He's getting too big and squirmy now to lay quietly on my belly so I can rub my chin on his soft little head, but I do get kisses and the occasional head-butt.
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