20 November 2008

Dunzo

My brief spate of fickleness has passed. I have decided that the thing with K is not going to happen. Obviously feeling "meh" about the sitch was a fairly good indicator that we were not destined for ever-lasting lurrrrrrve. And it probably wasn't a good sign that I got all salty when he asked, nay, told me to try to express my feelings. Sorry dude, you can't express what isn't there.

The following day he was his usual text message-y self. To avoid dealing with him during work hours, I told him I was busy. Later that night he sent me more messages. He asked if everything was OK. I said there was some stuff on my mind and he immediately asked if it was him.

Duh.

No, I didn't say that! Sheesh, what kind of person do you think I am? You know what - never mind answering that. Anyway, I said I needed some thinking time and that we'd talk the next day. He called me right then.

Guh.

Kind of defeats the whole purpose of "time to think", K. I said as much to him and got off the phone rather quickly. Later that evening I felt kind of bad for being shirty and sent him this: You're coming on too strong emotionally and I don't deal well with that. The first part is true. More on the second part later.* I didn't get a reply until the next morning. He said: I knew it was me. I'm sorry.

Oy.

K, if you knew it was you then why did you push it? The reply? I don't know. I'm an idiot. Taking a small amount of pity on him (sorry for the rule #5 violation), I said You're not an idiot. Really, yeah he is. Next came: I'll understand if you don't want to see me anymore. Now, I really should have just nipped the whole thing. Said: Good because I don't want to. However, in my moment of pity, I told him that I didn't know yet if I wanted to see him again. I don't want to see him again. In the spirit of full disclosure, I had a moment the other night where I got a bit skeeved remembering the making out. So all that remains, if I'm going to be a nice(ish) person, is to tell him it's over.

*Here is my more. I'm fine with talking about my feelings if there are any feelings there. It's not always the easiest thing to do, but I'm not going to manufacture an emotional conversation to satisfy your needs.

One last thing. I've been the person who is more emotionally involved before. The key to not completely ruining things is to HIDE IT. Or at least let it leak out sloooooowly. Wait until you are more certain of a positive response. You're probably never going to have absolute certainty, but there are times that work better than others. It doesn't make your feelings less valid, but it (in my experience) makes is less likely to frighten the other person away. This isn't to say that people who have expressed the heavy stuff early have disastrous relationships. If K had been someone else, I may have been all about the gooshy.

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