06 June 2008

Why I Hate The Internet Revisited

This is going to be one of those things that says far more about me than it does about other people. Fair warning.

I know I'm not the smartest, funniest, wittiest, snappiest, etc. person on the planet. I am aware that I am, at this very moment, surrounded by people who are more gifted than I. People who write better, make better jokes, and can discuss social theory with more élan.

Now that I have thoroughly convinced you of my inadequacies, allow me to explain where I am coming from.

I got slammed for a comment I made today on a blog. I have always had an issue with being perceived as dumb or slow-witted. Maybe it's because I have always relied on my brains to get me through life. It is definitely important to me that people think I'm bright. I don't know why. Regardless of where it stems from, it is real and rearing its self-esteem destroying head, drooling uncertainty on my forehead.

Am I wallowing? Yes I am. Maybe I wouldn't be feeling so bad if it weren't for the fact that the fridge I stored my lunch in today is being cleaned out this weekend and the bitches are going to throw out a perfectly good piece of my tupperware. Or maybe it's because I can't seem to make myself take a chance of something that I really want. It has been a long time since I've spiraled down like this and it sucks the root. I've had enough therapy to recognize the signs of depression. I see these things happening and I can't be bothered to change anything. Oh sure, there will be short spurts of optimism and activity, but they don't last. I'll get angry and sad and want to throw things or kick things. Thankfully for my feet and my things, I don't do that anymore.

If you stuck around through that mess of self-pity, here's the reason I still hate the internet. It isn't significantly divergent from my original reason - I meet smart, funny, insightful, witty people and I feel like a three-year old on the high dive. I'm in the deep-end and I left the water wings at home. End pool analogy.

"Just go off-line!" you're saying. "If you're so fucking miserable, stop doing the thing that makes you miserable, asshole." I can't hide from every little thing that causes me to re-evaluate who I am. Plus, I need to learn not to base my sense of self-worth on what my fellow commenters think of me.

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